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About Me  jiaqian → fangirl. insane. beware. → am a little twisted, and a lot disturbing, but once you look past the insaneness, i'm quite interesting. → this is a mostly a place for me to wax horrible poetry and post cryptic rants that no one will understand but of late it has evolved into yet another angsty diary. but the last time i checked, that's what blogs are for. →also, lots of typos since i'm normally high (on life, not crack!), tipsy or depressed when i write my posts. seriously. → profanity galore. honest raw emotions. are you squirmy when it comes to emotions? → slightly unhinged. dancing on the edge yet in control. perfection is overrated. The likes ♥
kpop. k-indie. k-hiphop. uljjangs. k-models. the boy in header: model kang cheolwoong Links
my fic journalflavors Friends
Amanda/Pei Yun Chy Yun Debbie Euwing Gabby Jia Ying Jinzhi Muayyad Nadiah PhuiYee, Yeevon Samantha Seayunn Siauthung Yiwen YiLin Yishuen The others
Credits Layout design by Eefennie. edited by mua. | Wednesday, August 31, 2011 amen, luan. preach it. i hate group projects. really. group projects were invented so that we can learn at an early age that the only way you can get anything done is if you do it yourself. it is also a good practice for when you enter the workforce, and you get lumped with not only your own workload, but also the mistakes of your coworkers and boss. we all know that group projects don't work. don't give me buts or any other explanations. it doesn't. if you're one of those people who support group projects wholeheartedly, well, i've got news for you: you're the kind of people that no one would want to group with. there can be only one reason that people like group projects, that is, you can push most of your work onto someone else. great for you, but please pity the poor people like me. for every single group project since i could remember, i was always the one stuck with most of the load, or the hardest part of the project. reason #1: i'm the default leader. unfortunately, i'm always paired up with quiet people, which means that i speak up first. that shows "leadership" and i get stuck with being the leader. being the leader, if i don't hand out parts to my members, nothing gets done. most of the time, even if something is done, i have to edit it personally due to shoddy work (sometimes) and bad grammar (most of the time). reason #2: "but your english is better." no. english skills do not have anything to do with this. if you want to be all nitty gritty about this, why don't we look at how well someone understands the topic? and the closest, thought flawed, way to look at this is exam results. well HEY your results are better than mine, so shouldn't you be the one doing the hardest part? and even if my results ARE better than yours, by pushing the harder aspects of the project to me, you are demonstrating precisely why your grades are lower than mine. if you continue to pass on everything that you find difficult, how can you improve? reason #3: i'm the only one that cares. motherfuckers, please give a damn. because for me, this project is the difference between a A or an A-; for you, it might decide whether you pass or fail. you need to ace this more than i do. _ not everyone skimps on their share of the work, i'm aware of that. dear group mates, i can't cuss you out to your face because we're friends. which is a bunch of bullshit- i should be able to point out what you're doing wrong because we're friends. but okay, you've done your share. i acknowledge that, and i thank you. my biggest beef with you is this: have some goddamned initiative. if i don't open my yap and remind you guys that ~HEY, THE DUE DATE IS LOOMING~, would any of you care? you say that you have a lot of assignments. well boohoo for you, but don't MY assignments matter? you think you're the only college kid in the world that's swamped with tests and projects? and while we're at it, let me talk about something else that has been bothering me. for god's sake, can you people be more professional? look. this accounts for 10% of our grade. i want it to be in times new roman, size 12, double spaced and justified. i don't want it in papyrus with 1.5 spacing and in size 14, with margins of 2 inch. i'm not being a perfectionist; i'm making this shit look professional. this is what people expect from an academic paper, yes? this is the basic format that every student should know. how the fuck is the lecturer going to take you seriously if you use a squiggly font or worse still, COMIC SANS? i'm glad i'm not a lecturer, because i would have deducted half your marks based on first impression alone. . . and now that i've gotten that out of my system, i can slowly start to work on my ever towering pile of projects. fml. 
Labels: rant. epik till the death of me; 7:22 PM Monday, March 15, 2010 it amazes me how amazingly naive people can be. alright, kiddies, keep your eyes peeled, because here's the cold, hard truth. and if you're prone to being butthurt, please, skip this, because i am known for being harsh. read at your own risk and don't attack me because you can't accept the truth. oh my, where do i start? with the thing that's one of my pet peeves, of course. ONE it annoys me to no end when people ask me to get autographs of certain celebrities for them. if i could, my room would be filled with millions of signatures instead of just four, alright? and if i could actually get a signature from, say, donghae, WOULD I GIVE IT TO YOU? i would put this in huge blinking font, but i refrain: going to a concert does not mean i can get their signatures. has your brain processed that? good. now stop asking me. TWO stars love their fans. yes they do. but they don't love you. don't expect them to be saints that adore every living creature. you are merely a faceless name or a nameless face to them. stars love fans when they come in one lump sum. they mean every word when they're shouting out teary i love yous to the crowd that attends their concert. but when a fan is tearing at their shirt, sobbing and hysterical, well, don't blame them when they bark back at you. think about what you were doing. if you were in their shoes, wouldn't you have responded in a worse way? THREE celebrities don't keep fan letters. now, now, don't cry. it's not that they hate you. it's just impractical to keep all of the fans' letters. they won't have time to read the tens of thousands of mail they get (that say the same thing) either. celebrities have been throwing out gifts since the beginning of celebrities. know that risk when you're penning down your sincerest thoughts on flowery stationary. for god's sake, don't blame ze;a. why don't you ask what that neighbor was doing rooting through their trash? FOUR i think this is the most important part. CELEBRITIES DATE TOO, PEOPLE. get over it. if you're twenty five years old and still without a dating history, then there might be something wrong with you. people date, people get married, people have sex (not necessarily in that order). it's the way of life. wasn't that drilled into you ever since you were young? honestly, if i were one of those idols and surrounded by beautiful people every day, i would be hitting on everyone of them. your favourite idol is not celibate. it is his or her right to date. it's not like you would ever stand a chance anyway FIVE WE'RE BFFs YOU GAIZ. every idol band screams that. still, jealousy takes a toll on friendships, no matter how accepting people are. being best friends doesn't mean that they'll give up everything for their friends. sometimes, we have to put ourselves first. it isn't selfish; it's just that no one is as selfless as we like to be. SIX most of them have had work done. it's their body they want to cut away or insert foreign objects into, does it really matter to you? in an industry that chips away at every ounce of confidence you have, it wouldn't be surprising that many people fold into pressure and "improve" what was beautiful in the first place. plus, korea titbit 136: in korea, parents give plastic surgery to their kids as graduating presents. yes, it is as common as flu vaccines. stop being disappointed. ps. if someone hurts his or her nose, expect a new nose. SEVEN looks>talent. in the beginning stage, talent is next to nothing if you don't have the looks. CEOs don't have the patience to sit around and wait for you to show your talent. stars are products. you are the consumer. products with pretty packaging sell well. i accompanied a friend to sm auditions once, and as i snuck around outside, i overheard one of the staff asking a hopeful with a big voice to lift up her hair to show her cheekbones and then grin to show her teeth. the staff then scribbled a few things down. maybe he was writing down how to improve her looks? who knows? and since i've rambled enough, i'll end it off. EIGHT being a star isn't as glamorous as it looks. it comes with a heavy price tag of privacy, sleep, love and happiness. you won't even be able to fart without a million articles coming up on it (poor poor hyomin). and when you do fall in love, the pressure that befalls you will strain your relationship. good luck with that. don't go into the industry unless you have a burning passion or you wouldn't even make it past the training stage. there. i'm not quite down but i think i offended enough people today. feel free to hurl insults at me and prove to me that yes, there are people as naive as that in the world. Labels: rant. epik till the death of me; 12:13 AM Sunday, January 24, 2010 my sister hates me. so much that she can't stand being in the stand room as me. her own words. not uttered directly to my face, but she forgot to take out a few documents from the book that she lent me and i couldn't help but see the scribbles in the corner. but i've known for quite a while now. she hasn't said one good thing to me for months. my mom brushes it off as stress (she's been short tempered at her too) but i know better. she'll find fault with everything i say and i have to choose all my words depending on her moods. with the superjunior concert coming and her not being here to attend it, it's become worse and the biting comments are becoming increasing common. it still hurts though. seeing those words in black and white. that she couldn't wait to leave for sydney so she wouldn't have to face me anymore. i don't blame her. everything she says is true. she says i'm too obnoxious, that i'm lazy, that i'm cold to my family. and i am. i admit it. i try to draw the attention from my mother. i'm not a family person; i don't miss home or my family when we're separated from long distance. i try to avoid doing chores whenever i can. i am all that. there's one thing i don't agree to, though. she says i like to feign sicknesses to get attention. one time i was burning up with a fever of 39c and was fighting the urge not to throw up. i asked her to pull the car over or just get home quickly or i'll hurl. she ignored me at first and then curtly told me that if i throw up, its my fucking problem and i had to clean up the mess. i went home and threw the entire contents of my guts out. after throwing up, i felt better so i went downstairs to get something warm to drink. she gave me the darkest glare you can imagine and said coldly, "wow, you sure got better real fast." i hid in my room and cried until threw up again. but i'm trying to change, so so so hard. i've been trying to filter my words for months now because i know they hurt but its hard to change a habit. when the harsh words leave my mouth, i feel like they're attacking me as well. i feel incredibly mean and i regret it so much. sometimes i feel so guilty and it tears at me so bad that i cry myself to sleep. i try to make up for it by doing random good deeds because maybe it can delude my heart into feeling better. it doesn't work. i still feel crummy. i've also been trying to compliment people more often. and i mean every word of every compliment i say. compliments don't come easilly to me. if i said anything nice about you, i mean it from the bottom of my heart. and i know i'm too narcissitic for my own good. i'm trying not to be. i'm just afraid that i'll retreat back into the shell with zero confidence. that was a low point in my life. it would kill me to go through it again. but i think i'm a little bit better. i put a little mark in a book whenever i say something harsh or narcissistic. the marks have lessened drastically. if you're someone that i know and you've read this, please don't say anything about it. just know that i'm trying. and tell me when something i say hurts you, because my thoughts are different than yours and sometimes i don't think some words hurt when they actually do. and stop complimenting me. it adds to my guilt. i'm changing. but its not all my fault. my sister has a serious case of middle-child syndrome. she feels trapped between my brother and i and feels that no matter what she does, she doesn't get appreciated for it. and she's such a perfectionist that i find it hard to live with her, especially with me being someone who just cruises through things. she hates being compared to me physically but i don't like being compared to her mentally either. what the use of being an inch taller if i feel like an idiot with no brains next to you and your top student status? i think i'm going to draw away from her until she leaves. tiptoe even more. i'm already afraid of her as it is. maybe she'll at least have a better impression of me when she leaves. Labels: rant. epik till the death of me; 9:10 PM Saturday, December 05, 2009 i tell people that chinese is my mother language. and its true. it is my mother language. they're always amazed that i can speak english so well. and here's the part that i'm not quite honest about. even though chinese is my mother language, i've been better at english all my life. the truth is, even though i grew up in a chinese speaking family, hung out with chinese speaking friends and attended a chinese primary school, my chinese kinda sucks. aure, i can get As in exams and of course i understand everything you say. but sometimes i make up phrases by randomly mashing words together and everyone else just laughs at me. and i always have difficulty remembering how to write harder words. my chinese teacher finds me weird. she says mine is a truly special case because i literally never spoke or even used english until i hit 13 and entered secondary school. there was no need to. everyone around me spoke chinese. the only times i came in contact with english was when i read or watched tv. with conditions like mine, by right, i would be better at chinese. but no. i think in english. everything goes through a translation in my mind. and i'm obviously much better at writing in english. but honestly, i don't even know the rules of english. i follow my heart. if it sounds right, it is right. i hardly make mistakes. the few mistakes that i do make are done when i think so fast my hand doesn't quite cooperate. i have no idea what adjectives or pronouns are. yet somehow, i'm still better at english than 70% of my peers. i still get tongue tied speaking english sometimes. my mind moves much faster than my mouth does and since i truly started speaking english only a few years back, the words feel foreign on my tongue. ... and now i have no idea what i'm talking about anymore. Labels: rant. epik till the death of me; 12:57 AM Saturday, October 31, 2009 can't believe i actually sang in public. no matter what you guys say, i still stick firm to the thought that i suck. - anyway am not happy, you guys. so i was bored amd googled ubk dinner and got into the blog of one of the attendees last night. and from her blog, i went to more form 2s. out of 10, 9.5 of them are fangirling kpop. one more time, and i don't care if i sound silly or bitchy, i hate the fact that everyone is into kpop. because i'm immature and just to comfort myself YO, ALL OF YOU. ＊ I have been fangirling since 06. almost three and a half years. ＊ I learned the LANGUAGE for more than two years. That means I can actually understand the songs that they sing and I can watch shows without subs. it also means that i'm making fun of you behind your back. ＊ I have close to 40 Korean albums and more than RM500 worth of official merchandise including tshirts, pencil boxes, badges, bags, lightsticks and other concert stuff. ＊ I have gone airport stalking four times ＊ gone to 4 korean related fansignings ＊ three korean concerts (could've been four, but ftisland cancelled theirs) ＊ been out of the country without parents supervision to watch a concert once ＊ seen at least 15 korean artists live (TVXQ. Superjunior. SS501. Rain. FT Island. 2PM. VOS. Wondergirls. Jewelry. And more) ＊ have followed bigbang, 2pm, 2am, ft island, shinee and a lot more newbie artists since predebut. ＊ can recognise and sing, if not hum along to more than 1000 korean songs. (my computer notes a total of 4000+ korean songs) ＊ can recognise and name a ridiculous amount of artists ＊ can practically give a LECTURE on the happenings of kpop in the recent four years. ＊ I think i know more about recent pop culture than the average korean. and now i've just proved my lifelessness. ohmygod :| i feel so pathetic xD but also a lot better and before i forget... (and i KEEP forgetting)  Labels: insaneness, rant. epik till the death of me; 10:07 PM Sunday, October 04, 2009 do i have big dreams? unrealistic dreams? i think i have simple dreams that are harder to achieve than they seem to be. i am in a nutshell, a self-confessed wannabe. i want to be anything and everything that i'm not now. i want to be artistic, to be talented in languages and stocked full with the useless pieces of information you only pick up by experience. i have a Vision of my future. and it isn't here. grass is always greener on the other side and all that, eh? i'd gladly choose a job with a crappy pay but short hours over wealth at a price of 45 hour weeks. i need time for myself, to learn all i can while i can. i want to learn to paint, to make jewelry, to pole dance (yes, even pole dancing seems awesome), to continue my lessons in pottery that i stopped so long ago. i want to master korean, japanese, french. i want to jetset across the world because i drink up cultures of any kind. how do they live? what do they eat? i want to prop myself up against a tree in a lush green campus, earphones in my ear and scribbling stories and such onto my notepad. i want more than anything to be drinking a fancy cocktail in a jazz bar, preferably Once in a Blue Moon, because its a really famous (read: overrated) jazz bar. and what i wouldn't give to party all night in hongdae, hoping in and out of clubs, bars and 24 hour karaoke places. but thats just a few of many. i know many people don't share my sentiments. some dream big, aiming for ivy leagues and medical school. some bow down, taking over daddy's business and living a typical 9 to 5 job. and then there are those people who don't even dream. they don't see the point in furthering their studies beyond the basic few years of college. they think of backpacking, homestays, cultural exchange programs as a waste of time and money. they feel that by doing outdoor activies like camping trips and mountain climbing, we're just feeding the mosquitoes. and worse of all, they are absolutely ignorant, thinking that letting the tap flow while they're checking themselves out in the mirror is perfectly fine, thinking that people like this won't get very far in life. they'll grow up the same way their parents and grandparents did. they'll pop out a kid or two. continue to suck horribly in english and will be stuck in this failing country for the next 5 generations. there will be no new experiences where they learn a foreign language or an instrument or a skill. they will not pour their heart and soul into creating art, be it in the form of music, paintings or literature. forever they'll be stuck with their limited views of life. the world they know of is the box they live in. its just so sad to even think about. what a waste of a perfectly good life. Labels: rant. epik till the death of me; 9:30 PM Tuesday, September 22, 2009 ... is this the same industry i fell in love with? i loved kpop back then because i was sick of the sexual inneundos and repetitive beats in all the songs. girls actually WORE CLOTHES, thank you very much. and now... - the music sucks. (don't say it doesn't because you know it does) - (songs openly talk about sex. remember a certain MINOR singing, "lets make love tonight... get close to me roughly don’t stop"?) - because obviously, sex appeal>talent. who needs to sing when you can strip? (i'm looking at you, gahee. or afterschool in general) - though at the same time, censorship is getting ridiculous. (crystal is so obviously referring to sperm. BAN THE SONG) - the clothes are getting weirder. (its not FASHION, kids. you're wearing a raccoon on your head. period.) - not to mention rarer. (miryo sweetheart, don't wear your barely there leather pants when you can't pull it off) - tv networks are getting desperate. (like hey, lets have a show where junjin takes care of 3 wild minors!) - and really petty. (you promised you'll come on my show and you don't so imma boycott your whole company!) - netizens are going crazy. (you've killed careers, people, relationships and dreams, started rumours and fights, made countless people depressed. fuck off and get a life.) - fans are batshit too. (let's rent a jet to fly messages through the sky in seattle because 7-1=0!!!!) i feel silly because i feel the way people feel when their family/friends/lovers change. you know those stories where one day you wake up and realize you no longer know the person next to you, that he or she is a virtual stranger? yeah :| Labels: rant. epik till the death of me; 6:19 PM Monday, September 21, 2009 you are.what? i don't even know. i've been having dreams for the past weeks of a faceless boy. in my dreams his face is so clear and touch so real but when i wake up the memory blurs and i'm left with this warm bubbly feeling inside of me. epik till the death of me; 2:55 PM Wednesday, September 16, 2009 damn it, i want to WRITE, but it's not working, yeah? Love is, 내 삶의 가장 큰 Business. The weather is unnaturally cold and you wrap the scarf around you tighter and stuff your mitten-clad hands into your pockets. It’s easy to amuse and distract yourself by blowing mist into the emptiness before you but your eyes keep drifting over to the door of the cafe and your ears are ready to detect the tinkling of the bell hanging over the door. A young boy skips past you, a leash tangled in one hand. The dog sniffs at you and you offer it your hand. "She doesn't bite," the boy flashes you a smile and lets you have your fill before walking away. When you turn your attention away from the hyperactive canine, you realize a familiar figure is already in front of you, book tucked under his arms, earphones snugly hidden under tousled black hair. Your reaction is almost automatic and your feet break into a run. You skid to a stop a few feet away from him and slow down your steps before you approach him, not wanting him to know you ran. To see him. "Hey." He pauses and turns around, a few strands of hair escaping free in the process, sweeping across his sculpted face. His hand brushes them back into place. "You," he says, delight and amusement detectable in his tone. He makes it sound like he's a 10 year old child and you're his new toy. You don't even mind. "Me," you echo, drawing in ragged, heavy breaths, chest heaving up and down. If he knows you've been running -and how could he not, with your shallow breathing and flushed face-, he doesn't show it. "Hyukjae." Not a question, but a statement. You feel little snippets of joy blossoming somewhere in you because he remembered your name but you push it down. You have pride; you have to stop sounding like a lovesick little- "You remember," you trill, words leaving your mouth before it registers in your head. "Yes, I do." He smiles at you and you smile at him and it’s an almost awkward silence until he speaks in a rather formal kind of way, "Well, Hyukjae, I'm about to go in for a drink. Care to join me?" You don't even answer; you're already pushing open the door. epik till the death of me; 3:17 PM Sunday, September 13, 2009 i like to think a lot and then write detailed essay-like things about everything in my life. almost like a biography, but its meant to let me know myself better improve my writing improve my observation skills. doing this helps me be clear about my life and it helps me to organize my thoughts and feelings. i have a million of these things everywhere, from posts in this blog or livejournal to various scribblings on the numerous notebooks i have lying around. for example, i now know i am amaZingly lucky. i grew up perfectly happy in the kind of families you read about in books- healthy, no bickering, comfortable income. i didn't know what dysfunctional meant until later on when i saw the people around me, and then i truly realized that i am extremely lucky. i am given an extraordinary amount of trust and freedom. i can go out anytime i want as long as i tell my mom where i'm going to be. my mom okays all of my fangirling trips, from fansignings to concerts to airport stalking, on the condition that it isn't her who drives me to all these events. staying overnight in the city with just a few friends? fine. going to singapore with another underage friend? fine. you're only young once, she tells me. she's the one that encouraged me to tag along with my friend to stalk dbsk at the airport, because she's not the one that has to drive me there. i can also skip school whenever i want, provided that it isn't too frequent. she's even fine with me drinking because she knows i exercise good self control. its not like i'm glugging down 6 beers at once. once a month or maybe more, we pop open a bottle of red wine or each grab a small bottle of vodka and drink to a movie. and most of the time, i'm the one stuck finishing the remaining drinks because i'm the best drinker in the house. (my brother is probably better; i wouldn't really know, he's in america, milking fun out of life to every drop) i can do all that, and some of the other parents won't even let their kids watch a movie without adults. when i tell people this, it sounds like i'm a spoilt wild child, never returning home and spending time at clubs. on the contrary, i've been accused of being an omchinddal too often. omchinddal is a korean abbreviation for mother's friend's daughter. you know how your mom always compares you to her friend's kid who's always getting good grades and polite and active? yeah, the kid's a omchinddal right there. sounds like blatant narcissism, but hey, its the truth. (okay, maybe mixed with a little narcissim) i'm given all the freedom i want and i don't use it to my advantage. i guess the more you restrict someone, the more he rebels. Labels: rant. epik till the death of me; 9:18 PM Sunday, April 05, 2009 long rant, because i felt like it. call me silly, but kpop was my thing. my thing. and now it seems like everyone is liking kpop and gah. its just not special anymore. at least there are a few special people that are still not so famous. i can continue to crush on myk safely because there's no way they could like him when they just pretend to like epikhigh. his infamous inpromptu drunk rap with tablo. this song is heartbreaking. its a remake but still i loved the original and i love this. this is one of my favourite songs because it stars epikhigh & k.will and omg this just brings back so many memories. okay, you know what? i'm making a new post on her. about the 3 cellphone cfs.. wondergirls' just failed. no. just no. bigbang and 2NE1's lollipop isn't cute; it makes me want to shield my ears and plug my ears. wtf STOP THE FASHION HORRORS. it felt like a rainbow attacked my eyes. and damn, her stick-of-a-hair and gd's prisonsuit. it kills me that the girls with such talent have fallen to THIS state. come on, you're talking about cl here. she's been out forever. you want cute?The Soeul bodyguard mv. OMFG SO FREAKING CUTE. i haven't shipped a heterocouple since... well, i've only shipped one, tablo/hyojoo. BOOM LOL I LOVE BOOM. all the new debutees aren't catching my fancy. its just one electronic drone after another. ♥ 2AM THOUGH. 2AM. OMG 2AM. I WILL OFFICIALLY BE A FANGIRL. i know they've been out forever. i really like them and every once in a while i see a live from them and i go crazy all over again. everyone knows that their singing is AWESOME. their recent lives prove it. jinwoon's rapping is so sldjalsd CUTE. and fuck. jinwoon on GUITAR. AND KWON ON PIANO. singing one of my favourite songs. Labels: rant. epik till the death of me; 8:04 PM |