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About Me  jiaqian → fangirl. insane. beware. → am a little twisted, and a lot disturbing, but once you look past the insaneness, i'm quite interesting. → this is a mostly a place for me to wax horrible poetry and post cryptic rants that no one will understand but of late it has evolved into yet another angsty diary. but the last time i checked, that's what blogs are for. →also, lots of typos since i'm normally high (on life, not crack!), tipsy or depressed when i write my posts. seriously. → profanity galore. honest raw emotions. are you squirmy when it comes to emotions? → slightly unhinged. dancing on the edge yet in control. perfection is overrated. The likes ♥
kpop. k-indie. k-hiphop. uljjangs. k-models. the boy in header: model kang cheolwoong Links
my fic journalflavors Friends
Amanda/Pei Yun Chy Yun Debbie Euwing Gabby Jia Ying Jinzhi Muayyad Nadiah PhuiYee, Yeevon Samantha Seayunn Siauthung Yiwen YiLin Yishuen The others
Credits Layout design by Eefennie. edited by mua. | Thursday, September 23, 2010 tick tock tick tock. the silence is deafening. and then there's a sound gurgling from your throat, a high pitched whine that grows into a loud wail as you suck in your first breath of air and wonder what this foreign feeling is. this feeling? it's called life. your mother cries out in joy, the doctor smiles at the sight, the nurse wishes she had someone to call her own. it's a joyous moment but from that moment you are marked, a death sentence above your head, the days of life counting down, the date of your demise blurred to all but your creator. your time is ticking, the sand grain falling. you are five. you meet a boy. he tells you that he has three hamsters, sticks out four fingers proudly and declares, "one two three!" you tell him hamsters are like puffy rats and puppies are cuter. he scrunches up nose and his eyes water, big fat tear drops falling down his cheeks like transparent beetles playing tumble. you kick him in the shin and say sternly, "boys don't cry." that shuts him up. you are fifteen. the beach is awfully nice at this time of the day. you close your eyes, enjoy the breeze ruffling your lashes, messing up your hair. someone sits next to you uninvited. you look over. he's a tall lanky boy with a long face and a wide smile. "once, i had three hamsters." he sticks out four fingers and smiles cheekily as he says, "count em, four!" he remembers, you don't, not till years later. you just think he's funny, in a weird yet adorable kind of way. "i like animals." he offers to show you the puppies that his dog had. "five of them, wriggly fluffy things! they're two months old, cutest thing you've ever seen!" you follow him home. you are twenty five. the veil feels heavy on your head, the bodice of the dress is bound to leave permanent marks on your waist and the heels might render you unable to walk for all of eternity. you worry about how you can make it down the aisle without toppling over but when your father reaches out with tears in his weary eyes, and you see his back, perfectly framed by the tuxedo he spent days mulling over, you forget everything but the happiness that bubbles up from within. giddy steps, tentative steps. you stop next to him and he turns to face you. you close your eyes briefly to capture a mental snapshot because this is one of those things you want to remember even when you forget what you had for lunch the same. with a low voice filled with warmth and pride, he tells you are the most beautiful woman in the world. he kisses you and you feel like the most beautiful woman in the world. tick tock tick tock your time is ticking sand grain falling. you are thirty five. "excuse me?" you inquire politely, because you think you misheard. the doctor smiles sympathetically and you think it's not quite the right emotion to show at that moment, not when you're informing someone that- "it's a brain tumour in the final stage." too late for treatment. the doctor continues to drone on about the advanced medicinal field and how miracles play a part in everything. there's still a 30% chance if you try- you stop listening and instead stand up slowly. "thank you." the doctor eyes you but lets you leave. so this is what convicts on the death row feel, you think with a bit of dark humour. should've voted to get rid of the outdated punishment. ah, but it doesn't seem quite right to you, because at least they did something that condemned them to the saddest way to die, but you, you did nothing at all. - "i want to die before you, because i'm afraid of being alone. and i don't plan on dying anything soon," he promises you, forehead against yours. "so you still have forever ahead of you." "then i will die with you", you say, "so no one will be left behind. " "together." he nods and as he does a tear rolls down from his cheek. you feel a flash of deja vu and it's oddly funny in an appropriate way. your voice drops to a whisper as you remind him, "big boys don't cry." the both of you do not see the car spinning out of control, do not hear the shouts from bystanders for the both of you to run, do not feel the pain as metal hits bone and flesh. the final grain drops. you both get your wish. time never sleeps, only slips, through your tiny infant hands as you reach out for your proud mother, past the careful laughter of youth, daintily across the wrinkles that burrow across your forehead and the crows feet beside your eyes- proud signs that you have lived, you have laughed, you have loved. now you are ageless. Labels: wordspit. epik till the death of me; 10:31 PM Friday, September 17, 2010 
i don't do make up and pretty clothes. i don't watch what i eat or care about my weight. shoe shopping is a nightmare and chick flicks make me yawn. i may not be much of what you traditionally call a girl, but sometimes i wish i could be made up like a doll. sometimes i wonder what it would be like to have normal sized feet and be able to wear pretty shoes like everyone else. sometimes i wish someone could hug me and tell me i'm beautiful, even if it's a lie, because i want to feel beautiful. ah, sometimes i wish i were more of a girl and less of a dreamer. epik till the death of me; 5:36 PM Saturday, September 11, 2010 i'm sorry, i needed to do this really badly, and the past 15 posts on my tumblr was already about uljjangs, so i had to do it here to seem, um, less creepy. in other words, i was finding a new channel to creep on. BEHOLD ~PARK JAEHYUN~ he's so beautiful it hurts, AND he was born in 1992. my mind was BLOWN when i found out. smithereens. boom.    i call this looking in the eyes of perfection haha. 
BEAUTIFUL. sighs.epik till the death of me; 10:19 PM
► dalmatian doggy dog unf unf unf! 
i love this picture~ happy birthday again~ my name is in there too. spot it :D in unrelated but equally important matters, GET A FUCKING TACO BELL MALAYSIA. I WANT ME SOME TACOS. BADLY.  if you can bring in krispy kreme (the oversugared overpriced goodness ;A;) you can bring in taco bell. SO GET ON IT GO GO. also relevant (TO MY LIFE), meet dayday. 170cm (lol short) of pure badass goodness. do very much want.  epik till the death of me; 3:04 PM Saturday, September 04, 2010 ah yes, lists. it's been a while ♥ 1. it's the holidays :D but no playing around because spm trials are coming up and i should- OOH LOOK NEW DRAMA ♥ 2. dalmatian. no wait, i mean, OMG DALMATIAAAAN ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ yes new fandom. but i'm not sure if it'll stick. probably will, since i like how fresh they are. but they've only released one song so time will tell. I HAZ PIKTURESS. here, let me show you it :D 
the one with the beautiful eyes is youngwon. the one without eyes is daniel, aka the kid with yoseob in oppa next door ucc videos. 3. sick. again. haha my body is reaaaaally weak. maybe i should start exercising. hold on while i cough my lung out. 4. i actually was 2 marks shy of an A- in addmaths!!!! this, to a girl who's never gotten anything higher than a C, is quite an accomplishment! 5. watching so many dramas at once makes my head swirl. and the contrasting tones to each one makes me feel like i'm having mood swings haha. 6. i listen to sweet sorrow's ten ten radio almost every night now. i like their song choice, but like all korean radioshows, they talk too much. i understand what they're saying, but it's mostly irrelevant things like reading fan messages or idle talk. if they played more music, i would like it more. 7. the trax's oh my goddess. when i first heard the chorus i was like meh trax is better than shit like this. then i heard the first and second verse and I LIKE!b Labels: lists epik till the death of me; 9:07 PM |