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About Me  jiaqian → fangirl. insane. beware. → am a little twisted, and a lot disturbing, but once you look past the insaneness, i'm quite interesting. → this is a mostly a place for me to wax horrible poetry and post cryptic rants that no one will understand but of late it has evolved into yet another angsty diary. but the last time i checked, that's what blogs are for. →also, lots of typos since i'm normally high (on life, not crack!), tipsy or depressed when i write my posts. seriously. → profanity galore. honest raw emotions. are you squirmy when it comes to emotions? → slightly unhinged. dancing on the edge yet in control. perfection is overrated. The likes ♥
kpop. k-indie. k-hiphop. uljjangs. k-models. the boy in header: model kang cheolwoong Links
my fic journalflavors Friends
Amanda/Pei Yun Chy Yun Debbie Euwing Gabby Jia Ying Jinzhi Muayyad Nadiah PhuiYee, Yeevon Samantha Seayunn Siauthung Yiwen YiLin Yishuen The others
Credits Layout design by Eefennie. edited by mua. | Saturday, January 30, 2010 we went to ikano today :D look what he bought me. TURTLES. cutest things ever. we're trying to be all ga in and jokwon with the fake marriage and all :D i told him i want to go on a ski trip togehter like they did. he bought my silence with turtles instead xD 
there was a wish tree where you could hang messages and look! i wrote for tvxq and 2pm :D 
and i found another heart in the pinky candy! 1 in 450 chance and i found it twice! epik till the death of me; 10:41 PM Friday, January 29, 2010 whenever i hear news of comebacks or people being released from the military, i suffer a small panic attack. because what, didn't the trax release 初雨 （first rain) recently? what do you mean come back after three years. i whined about gongyoo enlisting and now he's out. i still remember Haha's farewell episode on music bank and he'll be out soon :| 2010 marks my fifth year into kpop and it scares me. there's a new generation of kpop fans. i categorize fans into first: hot/sechkies/g.o.d (G.O.D PAWNS HANDS DOWN, OKAY? ONECANDLE FTW!) second: shinhwa/ boa/ ftts third: tvxq, superjunior, ss501, big bang, wondergirls fourth: 2pm, shinee, beast, mblaq and now you've got this new bunch of girls who have no idea who moonheejun or kangta is. they think Xman is a mispelling of the marvel comics hit series and Love Letter to them means neither a gameshow or a music show. they have no idea that kiss the radio used to be danny's show. heck they don't even know who danny is! lee hyori is not the hottest female alive to them; someone like yuri or hyuna is. and then you have people like me, who's utterly confused at the wave of autotune and the number of young debutees. the new idols debut in masses, each group consisting of 6 7 8 9 members, adding at least 100 more kids to the cut throat competition. f.cuz scares me and ze:a basically confuses me. i'm left wanting more of old school kpop, or simply songs from five years ago. i'm appalled when people with talent fall to cutesy acts or autotune just to sell albums but i suppose i understand. you need to eat too. my love for this new korean industry is wavering. i can't call myself an old fan of kpop since i only started from tvxq but how many of us are left? the fans i used to know have moved on and focused on more important things like university and work. we were suju fans and face it, superjunior is no longer in their prime. they are considered -dare i say it?- the old idols. the old bigbang fans i knew have all stopped liking them too. to me, my favourite song is still dirty cash, their fame be damned. ugh. here i go again. ps. anyone interesed in knowing more about kpop? i can sit you down and give you an entire rundown of everything that happened in the past 4 years. yet another kpop rant. forgive me. epik till the death of me; 10:13 PM Wednesday, January 27, 2010 LOOK LOOK LOOK. NEW HAIR. SO BEAUTIFUL.  /sobs/ WANT SO BAD. and this.  HIS MILKY WHITE SKIN. AM JEALOUS. ALSO WANT VERY MUCH.  LOOK AT THOSE CHEEKS. WANTWANTWANT. UNFUNFUNF :D epik till the death of me; 10:58 PM Tuesday, January 26, 2010 did you know, that i cannot visualise things? no matter how hard i try, my mind cannot paint pictures. instead it builds images with words. its not that i'm unimaginative. i've been told that my imagination is too wild. i simply can't visualise things. at all. even when i'm daydreaming, i'm not exactly daydreaming; i'm writing a mini novel in my head. it gets tiring but i'm used to it. there's nothing but words in my head. that's why i love dreams so much. because finally, i'm able to see things clearly with my mind instead of my eyes. epik till the death of me; 9:05 PM Sunday, January 24, 2010 my sister hates me. so much that she can't stand being in the stand room as me. her own words. not uttered directly to my face, but she forgot to take out a few documents from the book that she lent me and i couldn't help but see the scribbles in the corner. but i've known for quite a while now. she hasn't said one good thing to me for months. my mom brushes it off as stress (she's been short tempered at her too) but i know better. she'll find fault with everything i say and i have to choose all my words depending on her moods. with the superjunior concert coming and her not being here to attend it, it's become worse and the biting comments are becoming increasing common. it still hurts though. seeing those words in black and white. that she couldn't wait to leave for sydney so she wouldn't have to face me anymore. i don't blame her. everything she says is true. she says i'm too obnoxious, that i'm lazy, that i'm cold to my family. and i am. i admit it. i try to draw the attention from my mother. i'm not a family person; i don't miss home or my family when we're separated from long distance. i try to avoid doing chores whenever i can. i am all that. there's one thing i don't agree to, though. she says i like to feign sicknesses to get attention. one time i was burning up with a fever of 39c and was fighting the urge not to throw up. i asked her to pull the car over or just get home quickly or i'll hurl. she ignored me at first and then curtly told me that if i throw up, its my fucking problem and i had to clean up the mess. i went home and threw the entire contents of my guts out. after throwing up, i felt better so i went downstairs to get something warm to drink. she gave me the darkest glare you can imagine and said coldly, "wow, you sure got better real fast." i hid in my room and cried until threw up again. but i'm trying to change, so so so hard. i've been trying to filter my words for months now because i know they hurt but its hard to change a habit. when the harsh words leave my mouth, i feel like they're attacking me as well. i feel incredibly mean and i regret it so much. sometimes i feel so guilty and it tears at me so bad that i cry myself to sleep. i try to make up for it by doing random good deeds because maybe it can delude my heart into feeling better. it doesn't work. i still feel crummy. i've also been trying to compliment people more often. and i mean every word of every compliment i say. compliments don't come easilly to me. if i said anything nice about you, i mean it from the bottom of my heart. and i know i'm too narcissitic for my own good. i'm trying not to be. i'm just afraid that i'll retreat back into the shell with zero confidence. that was a low point in my life. it would kill me to go through it again. but i think i'm a little bit better. i put a little mark in a book whenever i say something harsh or narcissistic. the marks have lessened drastically. if you're someone that i know and you've read this, please don't say anything about it. just know that i'm trying. and tell me when something i say hurts you, because my thoughts are different than yours and sometimes i don't think some words hurt when they actually do. and stop complimenting me. it adds to my guilt. i'm changing. but its not all my fault. my sister has a serious case of middle-child syndrome. she feels trapped between my brother and i and feels that no matter what she does, she doesn't get appreciated for it. and she's such a perfectionist that i find it hard to live with her, especially with me being someone who just cruises through things. she hates being compared to me physically but i don't like being compared to her mentally either. what the use of being an inch taller if i feel like an idiot with no brains next to you and your top student status? i think i'm going to draw away from her until she leaves. tiptoe even more. i'm already afraid of her as it is. maybe she'll at least have a better impression of me when she leaves. Labels: rant. epik till the death of me; 9:10 PM Friday, January 22, 2010 the kid is launched into the spotlight again. for someone who's followed 2pm since before there was a 2pm (HOTBLOODFTW), everything still seems empty and weird without that weird looking muscular midget. (said affectionately of course) but to tell the truth, jay left no impression whatsoever on me in hotblood. he came in halfway and surprisingly, dominated the votes. i remember jay and jokwon's votes were topping the list. i also remember being unable to understand why. face it, jokwon and jay are faces and personalities that grow on you slowly, and hot blood gives each kid maybe 10 minutes of time throughout the ENTIRE show. plus, jay only came in after a few episodes and jokwon almost got eliminated. i voted a lot for the underdogs. im daehun and lishiqi basically hovered at the bottom. i voted for a different member a day, mostly junsu (i have no idea why i liked him back then), doojoon and lishiqi. sometimes i voted for nichkhun because he's the guy that made me interested in hotblood in the first place (been stalking his thai uhljjang pics for years now), not that he needed much help. then again, i thought changmin was an outsider at first (i think i still think of him that way sometimes) because he was in the army and didn't participate in the show. the first time most of us saw him was on his debut stage. i rooted for doojoon (i love his boy-next-door looks) and lishiqi (only because he's chinese) and i felt like changmin stole their spot. jinwoon i tolerated because even though he didn't make the cut, he was still IN the show. though i still felt that doojoon should've been there singing "ALL I CAN GIVE YOU IS THIS SOOOOOONG~" T____________T now i'm just waiting for crossfire to debut. come on, daehun isn't getting any younger. his idol sell-by date is approaching. let the poor man debut already. epik till the death of me; 11:45 PM Monday, January 18, 2010 to the guy (girl?) who's been calling me and not speaking, hi, i don't bite (what happened in kindergarten does not count. i blame a missed naptime). i don't mind it, really. i mean, at least you're not calling at 7am on a sunday morning like someone did. its just that it gets a little creepy. how would you like to pick up the phone only to be greeted by silence or a dialtone? one of these days, i'm going to start talking to you, so don't hang up so quickly :) if you're going to call me every few hours, at least give me a name so i can address you. → i found the pink heart candy in pinky! pinky is a candy that tvxq endorses and only one in nine boxes have the heart. thats one in 360 mints. and i found it <3 → i had another dream about junho. aw :) he's such a sweetie in dreamland. → SUPERSHOW II LIVE IN MALAYSIA. i'm living for that day. seriously. its my endorphine. → hey, i'm the cool cat (meow) oh, key ♥ → i'm loving the 2am teasers sfm. jinwoon makes my heart flutter. i want the kid D: → geez, tigerjk, tablo and dumbfoundead spam twitter so much i can't even see updates from friends. i love you guys, and that's why i'll never unfollow you, but it would be nice to stop scrolling through 5/6 pages just to see friend updates. whatever happened to twitrehab, jk? xD → bo peep bo peep bo peep bo peep bo peep bo peep bo peep oh! bo peep bo peep bo peep bo peep bo peep bo peep ah! ah! → i'm hungry T_________T Labels: lists epik till the death of me; 10:43 PM Friday, January 15, 2010 if you wonder where my cryptic writings have gone to, i've started a new place for those. i'm trying to keep it private because among wordspits, i write raw emotions. and i Shooting your gun into the dark, let’s see who fires back.they sound kind of britrock. epik till the death of me; 9:24 PM Tuesday, January 12, 2010 i am devastated. so so sad. i thought the actors and actresses in Gods of Study looked young, so i checked out their profiles. wtf. leehyunwoo looks so babyfaced... AND HE'S A MARCH 93'ER. that makes him only 4 months older than me o.o he has an extremely impression filmography though: iljimae, hwangjini the movie, queen seonduk, king sejong, the lobbyist, among others. yooseungho has been around for so long i assumed he was older. but no. HE'S YOUNGER THAN ME D: by only a few months, but STILL. the lead is the youngest kid there! JIYEON IS A 93'ER TOO. *wails* i feel OLD. at least goahsung is a 92'er and leechanho is a 89'er. i'm kinda puzzled at the drama's success though. i mean, apart from the around 30 minutes of the third episode focuses on math alone. AND IT GETS 20.3% RATINGS. heck, even the reruns get 10.3%. i hope the drama turns interesting soon, or i'll just switch to Pasta (ALEX IS IN IT!). epik till the death of me; 11:24 PM Monday, January 11, 2010 I JUST FOUND THE BEST AND HARDEST GAME IN THE WORLD. IDEAL TYPE WORLD CUP! you know that game they have in champagne, where you choose your ideal type? yeah well, SOMEONE MADE IT, YES! ♥♥ so basically they pit two people against each other and you choose the guy you like more. dbsk, ss501, superjunior, bigbang, ftisland, tmax, choshinsung, shinee, 2pm, 2am, ukiss. thats a total of 64 guys, yall. BUT! these have been the hardest decisions i ever had to make xD among the cruel selections i had to make. tvxq's junsu vs hyukjae. taecyeon vs jaebum hyukjae vs taecyeon what is this, you tell me :| LOL first time around, my top 8 are leechangmin (2am. inorite?), junho, donghae, nickhun, yunho, jinwoon, wooyoung, hyukjae. and my top 4: junho, donghae, yunho, hyukjae. fuck, now i have to choose between junho and donghae. final... junho vs hyukjae... hyukjae won :D i did it the second time and my top eight are jaebum, donghae, heechul, jaejin, taecyeon, hyunjoong, junho and yunho. (because i accidentally eliminated hyukjae T____T) junho won. after a while, i'm not sure why i bother anymore, because my top two are ALWAYS hyukjae amd junho. epik till the death of me; 5:37 PM Friday, January 08, 2010 fcuz and ze:a? PFFT. what a disappointment. school has been pretty easy so far, mostly because we haven't been doing anything. i've been feeling kind of under appreciated lately. but hohum, i'll be okay soon :D epik till the death of me; 11:50 PM Sunday, January 03, 2010 first post of a new year, bby :D it started off promising enough. first of all, I FINALLY BOUGHT JONATHAN SAFRAN FOER. i couldn't find everything is illuminated, but i did find extremely loud & incredibly close, and although its a little pricy, i bought it immediately. weeks of searching finally paid off :D i'll still continue to search for illuminated. watched a night showing of the imaginarium of dr parsassus, which i enjoyed. heath ledger's last film, and i didn't know it was him until johnny depp appeared xD and the best of all! i had a dream with doojoon, junho and junhyung in it. my new favourite boys right there! in my dream, i was trying to catch the attention of doojoon but he was busy talking to junho. everyone thought i liked junhyung instead and tried to get us together. i got all pouty at being ignored by doojoon and he realized it and was the sweetest thing ever ♥ haha we had a nice date :D school starts in less than 8 hours. brilliant. oh well, hope i can kick my laziness away. epik till the death of me; 8:25 PM
► 2010? first post of a new year, bby :D it started off promising enough. first of all, I FINALLY BOUGHT JONATHAN SAFRAN FOER. i couldn't find everything is illuminated, but i did find extremely loud & incredibly close, and although its a little pricy, i bought it immediately. weeks of searching finally paid off :D i'll still continue to search for illuminated. watched a night showing of the imaginarium of dr parsassus, which i enjoyed. heath ledger's last film, and i didn't know it was him until johnny depp appeared xD school starts in less than 10 hours. brilliant. oh well, hope i can kick my laziness away. epik till the death of me; 8:25 PM |