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About Me  jiaqian → fangirl. insane. beware. → am a little twisted, and a lot disturbing, but once you look past the insaneness, i'm quite interesting. → this is a mostly a place for me to wax horrible poetry and post cryptic rants that no one will understand but of late it has evolved into yet another angsty diary. but the last time i checked, that's what blogs are for. →also, lots of typos since i'm normally high (on life, not crack!), tipsy or depressed when i write my posts. seriously. → profanity galore. honest raw emotions. are you squirmy when it comes to emotions? → slightly unhinged. dancing on the edge yet in control. perfection is overrated. The likes ♥
kpop. k-indie. k-hiphop. uljjangs. k-models. the boy in header: model kang cheolwoong Links
my fic journalflavors Friends
Amanda/Pei Yun Chy Yun Debbie Euwing Gabby Jia Ying Jinzhi Muayyad Nadiah PhuiYee, Yeevon Samantha Seayunn Siauthung Yiwen YiLin Yishuen The others
Credits Layout design by Eefennie. edited by mua. | Wednesday, September 28, 2011 
i've been having supermodel dreams lately.
and not even when i'm asleep.
i might be walking down the street and suddenly i'd see flashes of gaunt skin, collarbones showing through thinly wrapped scarves, long slim fingers splayed across skin, happy trails leading to stuffed treasure, bronzed legs that go on forever and killer heels.
i close my eyes and i smell whiffs of perfume mixed with the unmistakable tinge of alcohol, hear the soft murmur of voices, the spritz of the hairspray, the pulsing music that sends these beautiful beautiful apparitions down the runway.
it's weird, since i do not care for fashion or beauty.
but i like it in a way. i close my eyes and i'm transport to a glitzy place. it's nice to escape, if not only for a few seconds.epik till the death of me; 10:19 PM Sunday, September 25, 2011  
the items that i ordered from gmarket arrived! i ordered it the day before chuseok and there was a three day holiday for the company, so minus the holidays, it took 4 days to arrive at my house. pretty efficient, i say :D
i ordered this: puzzle T
since the model is shorter than me, i thought M would be okay, but it turned out to be a bit larger than i expected. i guess this is why we should check the given measurements u___ubut i like big shirts, so it was fine. it was super cheap, just ~rm18, so i expected a low quality T with thin fabric but i was wrong.  the fabric is probably thicker than what you would find on a shirt at forever 21. (you know how forever21 skimps on their outfits :( ) in fact, i started sweating the moment i put it on because this is something meant for autumn while i'm in 34celcius malaysia with no air conditioning on.  biiig xD i also bought this "cookie knit". it's a sweater, i suppose. 
the colour is darker than the one shown on the model pics which was bright red, but i should've expected that, since the name of the colour is "wine".
the price is unbelievable. only ~RM33!
the sleeves.
this was my first time buying clothes online, and i'm pretty satisfied. will try this site again.epik till the death of me; 9:13 PM Saturday, September 24, 2011 today is the day my life was complete. aka: i. the day i saw teentop live; ii. the day i saw chunji's wink; iii. the day i saw neverland live. iv. the day i decided that somehow, i must make AJ mine, even if by illegal means. but we'll get to that later, yeah? i wasn't too keen on kmw at first. i've seen 4 out of the 6 performing artists, and at close distances too. i've HUGGED jungmin and got his signature. i've seen 4minute in two events upclose.i've been to 3 ft island events and ukiss... lol i lost count of how many times i've seen them live. nevertheless, i stan chunji with all my heart and he's the sole reason why i even went ;A; it was way better than i thought it would be though! i was super giddy and high throughout. i got side-eyed a lot because everyone around me was a vip, and i don't like big bang, but who cares haha. i arrived pretty late with my friend due to a massive traffic jam, but a fanboy from MUFY saved us a place so we were in the fourth row. pretty great seats for the free seating section anyway. the concert started at around 7.20pm with ft island. hongki had his usual permed hair. jaejin was blonde omg i love this man so much. jonghun had bright red pants with some black pattern all over it and a drape-y black thingy as a top. burrn the outfit, BURN. seunghyun and minhwan were just, well, normal but minhwan bby, your arms of sex, ME GUSTA. hongki seemed like he didn't give a fuck about the concert at first, when he drawled in korean to his bandmates, "someone else say something. i'm not that good with english." i soon realized otherwise. they did hello hello, love love love, 나쁜 여자 (bad woman), 바래 (barae) and bing bing bing. hongki's voice is great recorded, but i was surprised at his live voice. solid and a thousand times better than what i thought it would be, i was all ♥ over his voice. he's really expressive, as everyone knows, and his gestures were all over the place. hongki was a hyper little wriggly worm during bingbingbing which was really qt. jaejin dished out a lot of fanservice, wandering all over the stage, making it obvious that they were handsynching lol. seunghyun barely moved from his spot, but jonghun did walk around a bit, even coming forward for a guitar solo at some point. poor minhwan was trapped at his seat as always. the poor things flew in this morning so they hadn't even tried any malaysian food yet and i attribute hongki's initial aloofness to the plane ride and the hectic schedule. next, BEST PERFORMANCE EVER HEHEHEHEHEHEHE. well, no, not exactly. teentop's performances were highly flawed, since we all know that they're not the most solid of singers, and ugh, that horrid line distribution... but i am biased. they're the main reason why i went and i basically screamed a lung out when they burst on stage with 향수 뿌리지마 (don't spray perfume). they then did 손등이 스친다, followed by clap, angel and supa luv. oh god, niel's voice is not pleasant live, and at times the prerecorded backup vocals drown out everyone's live singing/rapping. especially rapping. cap, SPEAK THE HELL UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU. but ohhh i was all excited that i'm seeing ~teen top~ live. for them, i proudly admitted to everyone that i paid good money to see this underage BOYBAND and ignored all the judging gazes. anyway, i didn't like niel's ponytail but i did like everyone else's hair. chunji had this permed tuff as a fringe, which might be weird on any other person, but my heart has this huge section that forgives chunji for anything that he does. the rest of the members were strangely subdued, even ricky and l.joe, who i assumed were the more lively people in teen top. still, CHUNJI WINK. need i say more ;D next were 4minute i think. so i've seen them twice already, and i'm not a fan at all, but i admit that 4minute songs are perfect to hype a crowd up. we dutifully shouted along to all the fanchants, which is the best part of any concert. it gets to the point where there often isn't any backing vocals for the parts where the fans are supposed to shout. the artists themselves don't sing that part either, already expecting fans to do it. song list: mirror mirror, heart2heart, i my me mine, muzik, hot issue. lots of fan service from hyuna and gayoon as usual, where they both flaunted their beautiful gorgeous legs. hyuna is a particularly notorious tease, because her voice is seductive in the first place, and she just oozes sex appeal. can i have gayoon's body please :( jihyun was so sexy and confident today, too! sohyun's hairstyle did not flatter her at all, which is a shame because i know how beautiful she is, and what perfect skin she has. i always forget jiyoon. never put pants on 4minute, ever. them legs. damn. ukiss is like beast, because they KEEP COMING. but it's okay. i've seen them so many times but i love love love ukiss. they're just so fun and approachable. the lack of a language barrier doesn't hurt. and ukiss just became a million times more perfect because of the presence of AJ. AJ was my bias in paran, and i know how to pick my men, okay xD sorry kiseop, you are now irrelevant to me. AJ is my ideal man and i will do whatever it takes to get him hee. ukiss burst onto the stage with neverland and i screamed, but you might already know, because i'm pretty sure my scream could be heard in china. neverland is the sex. omg thinking of the performances, i have feelings and i need to express them ;A; they also did 0330, bingeul bingeul, manmanhani and oddly, everyday. why everyday. why? they could've done something like someday, but okay, i like everyday too. damn it, i love ukiss' performances a little too much. why do i not consider myself a kiss me when i've followed and supported them since debut? they've consistently impressed me with a string of great songs and i'm always so proud of them. alright, i'm a kiss me! park jungmin was next! jungmin was my favourite in ss501 and i never remembered him being this gorgeous. a few years back, i was the only girl heading for jungmin when all the other girls clambered for hyunjoong. he was the only one who mattered to me, and today proved that yes, i pick my biases well :D he did not alone, 넌 알고 있니 (do you know), 내 하루는 매일매일 크리스마스 (everyday is christmas), the princess man ost 그립다(miss you) and 가라 가라 (gara gara). FAN SERVICE GALORE DURING 내 하루는 매일매일 크리스마스. he practically kneeled on the floor to sing to one small section of the rock pit and then leaned over to sing to another section. he also turned around and wriggled his behind in some weird sexy dance. that ass... and 가라 가라... oh my. >///< 가라 가라 was an amazingly hot and sexy performance. so... so... sexy. /nose bleeds and here's the part where i stopped caring back when big bang debuted, i was a huge huge huge fan. i loved big bang so much that i liked jiyong more than donghae. that's a huge thing. MORE THAN DONGHAE. back then, i spread bigbang to everyone i knew, but the response was cold, and even koreans didn't know this new young group. around last farewell i started losing interest and i couldn't care less by sunset glow. so after more than 5 years of waiting, i saw half of bigbang live. unfortunately this was about 3 years too late. seungri was first with vvip, then strong baby, and finished with 어쩌라고. the boy oozes confidence and he craves the attention badly. he tried to play the crowd, and the crowd did respond, but for someone like me, he seemed tired. he wore a suit and that only made him seem like he stole his grandfather's suit and then aged 10 years to better suit it. when i left the bigbang fandom, seungri was still pretty cuddly. it's silly, but i felt almost sad watching him perform. he doesn't have the stage presence to pull off a solo stage, though his inflated ego might fool some people into believing that he can. there was a cute part where he described malaysian fans as "bagus", the malay term for great. the mc told him to say "sangat bagus" instead, which is very great. seungri responded, "oh, like awesome?" i still like you bby riri, deep down. i just have to get past your big head. GD&TOP was a disappointment. there, i said it. they're the ~legendary~ duo, you know? and like i said, i've waited 5 years for this. 5 years. when they appeared on stage, i felt this tinge of disappointment, and also boredom. gd seemed tinier than i expected. without his hair, it's like the haircut stole a bit off his confidence and swag along with it. he wouldn't take off his sunglasses, which annoyed me. the first song was 뻑이가요 (knockout) and the crowd was really hyped up, but i was just afraid. my friend and i were trapped in a sea of over enthusiastic vips and it was really really scary. next they sang oh yeah, with an audio recording of bom's chorus. they finished with high high, which was when EVERYONE stood up, forcing me to to stand up as well. i danced along to the song, cause it's kinda hard to when everyone else is doing it and tried to enjoy myself, but nope. gd&top pranced around like a couple of madmen as usual, especially gdragon, who usually seems like the poster child for adhd on stage. i fell way too far from this fandom, and no amount of coaxing could bring me back, it seems. they did only 3 songs, and bam they were gone. you're the HEADLINING ACT. way to halfass everything, guys! anyway, disappointing big bang performances aside, this was amazing! i was so hyper tonight. great night, and now i'm exhausted because i only had 4 hours of sleep. night :D Labels: fan account epik till the death of me; 11:48 PM Tuesday, September 13, 2011 sometimes at night i'm consumed with fear. why i feel this fear i cannot pinpoint; i just know that i'm afraid and that suddenly i feel like my feet can't hit the ground. i feel like i'm drifting in a pool of black and my future just doesn't exist. moments later i force a chuckle out of myself- you're legally an adult (though mentally a child); shouldn't you have gotten past the periods of self searching and doubt? i try to comfort myself, but i know the answer to that question all too well. no, not at all. if anything, the time to start questioning myself and my future is now. for 17 years i've followed the path laid out for me. 17 years i've nodded and went along with the "plan", even if i knew that this wasn't the path for me. and now, i've reached a dead end and suddenly the guides are ripped away. you're on your own; now choose your future. every decision you make now will have an impact in your life. i make it sound so dramatic, like i've suffered through elementary school and high school. i might have cried my share of tears, but it wasn't all too bad. i didn't know any other option (wouldn't even dare to think of any other option) and when you aren't aware of other options, you don't feel that what you're going through is wrong. so i trudged through 5 years of high school in the science stream, despite hating it with a heated passion. because i had no choice? because i was too much of a coward to oppose the "natural choice"? my parents are very liberal, so i'm sure that any path that i suggest would be approved by them. so why didn't i take the chance? not even when i was thrust into the mouth of depression? (depression is hereditary in my family. a surprisingly large number of close relatives have it. i'm forever afraid that some day i'll lose my grip on reality and spiral into depression. during the earlier years of high school, i knew that i frequently flirted with it because i displayed way too many symptoms, and i made conscious efforts to pull myself out of it. in doing so, my entire personality changed and i became overprotective of my heart- but that's a whine for another time, yes?) honestly speaking, i wouldn't change it for the world. i worked my ass off to finish those years; no way i'm trading off my gained knowledge for an easier (happier) life. and besides, i wouldn't be living an easier life. i've come to realize that those advanced science subjects are necessary knowledge. if i didn't learn all of those, then i really would have gained nothing from our flawed education system. deep down, i know that given a choice, i would go through the same thing. ah... i'm such a drama llama, aren't i? sorry, i'm hormonal and emotional. epik till the death of me; 12:18 AM Monday, September 05, 2011 this was my old blogskin. 
it was messy, and only meant to be temporary. after i changed my blogname in an attempt to de-kpopify myself, i decided that it was only right to change the header as well.
(this being my previous header: )
unfortunately, i was pressed for time, so i just grabbed a random pic, and that happened to be the actor/model hong jonghyun.
when i signed in to blogger a while ago, i found out that blogger unceremoniously switched me to the new blogger without my permission, hence deleting my previous blogskin.eventually i got my skin back, but i figured that this was a good sign as any to change it again. so... voila. header pic: korean model kang cheolwoong (강철웅) header pic caption: {lyrics from epik high's worldwide version of mapthesoul} blog title: 시간아멈춰라 (stop, time.) epik till the death of me; 10:59 PM
► first day back sigh. after 9 days of holidays, i'm here in class again. i've been immersing myself in the past lately- reading books set in korea's baekje dynasty, playing games about japan's heian period, watching period dramas... i've been rolling in history so much that i've blurred the lines between fiction and reality a little too much.i spent these 9 days practically like a zombie, a social recluse that shuts herself in the room all day, disappearing into fictional worlds.i now truly understand that people need responsibilities like work and school, just to remind themselves that they have a role to play. not having to go to college, i merely drifted day in day out, detached from the real world. i'm not even sure i felt any real emotions.but i've always been sensitive.ah, the lecturer has arrived.이젠 꿈을 께어야지? epik till the death of me; 8:27 AM |