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About Me  jiaqian → fangirl. insane. beware. → am a little twisted, and a lot disturbing, but once you look past the insaneness, i'm quite interesting. → this is a mostly a place for me to wax horrible poetry and post cryptic rants that no one will understand but of late it has evolved into yet another angsty diary. but the last time i checked, that's what blogs are for. →also, lots of typos since i'm normally high (on life, not crack!), tipsy or depressed when i write my posts. seriously. → profanity galore. honest raw emotions. are you squirmy when it comes to emotions? → slightly unhinged. dancing on the edge yet in control. perfection is overrated. The likes ♥
kpop. k-indie. k-hiphop. uljjangs. k-models. the boy in header: model kang cheolwoong Links
my fic journalflavors Friends
Amanda/Pei Yun Chy Yun Debbie Euwing Gabby Jia Ying Jinzhi Muayyad Nadiah PhuiYee, Yeevon Samantha Seayunn Siauthung Yiwen YiLin Yishuen The others
Credits Layout design by Eefennie. edited by mua. | Thursday, February 23, 2012 
here's a confession that everyone already knew-i'm a bit of a needy bitch. i'm insecure. sometimes i catch a glimpse of myself in a reflective surface and i'm pleased with what i see. call it narcissistic, but at times i feel confident and beautiful and like i'm on the top of the world. those days seem to pass by really quickly, and everything goes my way. but i haven't been feeling beautiful lately, and it's taking a toll on my self confidence. i look in the mirror and i frown. i don't like how i look lately. not healthy in the least bit. my skin is thin and the veins show. i'm deathly pale. my hair isn't falling the way it should be, and i don't dress the way i'd like to. what gets at me the most is that i've put on a few pounds, and even though i hate that i think about it, i feel bloated. i wish i could feel confident again. i really really hate being one of those girls who depend on a guy's attention to feel beautiful. i hear compliments all the time, but as time passes i don't even believe them anymore. i keep thinking that everyone is bullshitting me, and just saying it our of courtesy. it's a bit of a vicious cycle. the less confident i feel, the less attention i get, which makes my confidence plummet more. i don't even know where that confident lady who held her head high is. all i know is that i want her back. epik till the death of me; 2:01 AM Tuesday, February 14, 2012 i'm writing this from the cabin of flight CA917, seat J28. we're flying back from beijing. the man across the aisle has a red box peeking out of his backpack. i think it's a heart shaped box of chocolates. valentines is in the air. everywhere in beijing, stores are banking in on the valentines craze. i finger the hem of a jacket and in two seconds flat a salesgirl descends on me, helpfully informing that there's a promotion going on! buy 1 free 1 for couples! i adopt that vaguely disinterested smile meant for situations like this and mumble that i'm just looking around. she continues on undeterred, "it's really worth it! buy something for your boyfriend! or for your friends! last day of this deal!" i want to do something spiteful, like scream "SO WHAT IF I'M SINGLE WHY MUST YOU DO THIS TO ME SOBS", or say "i was looking for a gift for my gay roommates...?", just to test her reaction. instead i smile, turn to my sister, and say something random in english. "pickles," i say intelligently. "huh?" my sister looks at me. the salesgirl's expression freezes at the english and she glances at her coworker, uncertain. i smile at her sweetly, and she backs off. speaking of sales people, in china they swarm you. they have a quota to fulfill and they will try to talk you into any purchase, and they will TRY until you crumble under the pressure and buy something and/or or run screaming from the store. i stepped into a store yesterday night and when the salesman started stalking us, i tried the english approach, only to have him ask where we can from. he then tried to strike up conversation, and when he got the clue that i was freaked out, he turned to my mother instead. "that's a nice bag you have there! i like the ribbons!" ah, the plane is starting to descend. it's a small plane and there's a thunderstorm outside. it's pretty shaky. my handwriting has gone to the dogs. the view outside the window is beautiful. it looks like someone sprinkled gold and silver dust on a black canvas. it's really too bumpy to write. we'll touch down soon. home sweet home. epik till the death of me; 1:50 AM Tuesday, February 07, 2012  i adore this picture. it stirs a lot of emotions in me. if you didn't already know, lee eon, that is the one on the right, passed away in a motorbike accident in 2008. and the one on the left is kim dongwook, one of my favourite actors. look at how happy they are. not "were", because happiness is eternal once it's captured in a photograph. and that's the beauty of pictures. a thousand words, a million emotions, right there in a flash. life ends when you least expect it. any day could be my last day. would i be happy if my last day was spent studying? no. would i be happy if i spent my final day watching dramas and aimlessly writing like this? actually, yes. i am a lazy person. i've been wasting my time a bit. i promised myself to work on my drawing. i've never tried drawing real life before, so i thought i would. all i manage to do was this potrait of beenzino, which doesn't even look like him.  i'm not an art person, but i think i can be. hm? epik till the death of me; 11:20 PM |