About Me


jiaqian
→ fangirl. insane. beware.

→ am a little twisted, and a lot disturbing, but once you look past the insaneness, i'm quite interesting.

→ this is a mostly a place for me to wax horrible poetry and post cryptic rants that no one will understand but of late it has evolved into yet another angsty diary. but the last time i checked, that's what blogs are for.

→also, lots of typos since i'm normally high (on life, not crack!), tipsy or depressed when i write my posts. seriously.

→ profanity galore. honest raw emotions. are you squirmy when it comes to emotions?

→ slightly unhinged. dancing on the edge yet in control. perfection is overrated.




The likes ♥

kpop. k-indie. k-hiphop. uljjangs. k-models.

the boy in header:
model kang cheolwoong





Links
my fic journal
flavors

    follow me on Twitter



    Friends

    Amanda/Pei Yun
    Chy Yun
    Debbie
    Euwing
    Gabby
    Jia Ying
    Jinzhi
    Muayyad
    Nadiah
    PhuiYee, Yeevon
    Samantha
    Seayunn
    Siauthung
    Yiwen
    YiLin
    Yishuen



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    Credits

    Layout design by Eefennie. edited by mua.


    Tuesday, July 01, 2014
    ► what is your proudest moment?
    sometimes i scroll through HONY and ask myself the questions he asks his subjects. these are simple questions and yet the hardest in the world- are you happy? what is your greatest fear? what is your proudest moment?

    if you asked me this question a year ago, i might have struggled with it. i might have said something that had to do with academics. i won second place in a national writing contest. i was world top scorer for the subject globalization. i had a scholarship, a perfect GPA.

    i am proud of those. those are the results of my hard work, my achievements in things that i love to do and love to love.

    but now?

    the fact that i am truly at peace with myself and where i am is what makes me proud. i know i'm always a sap when it comes to this blog, something to do with the fact that i only feel like blogging when i'm overwhelmed with feels, but it's true. i was walking down the street, past the beautiful church, past the cute florist, under the browning leaves and i thought, i love this. i'm happy. i bought a cup of overpriced coffee, laid down on the grass under the sun and thought, i'm happy.

    i like what i'm studying, i like where i am in life, i like my friends, like my hobbies, like my home, my family.

    for a while i was worried because i was drawing away from social interaction but i talked to a wonderful girl one day who told me this after i said that i found it weird how i enjoyed going out last night but not this year, "it's not weird because you enjoy being by yourself now, just like you enjoyed hanging out with your friends then.  that was your present then; this is your present now. we want different things in different stages in life and all we need to do is enjoy the present."

    it was mindblowing. i walked home that day feeling lighter than i had in months.

    it's amazing how a girl can grow in the matter of 12 months. it's amazing how a country can change someone, how a short span of time spent away from my comfort zone has redefined my perspective.

    thank you, australia. thank you, my friends. and thank you, me, for learning to be happy.

    epik till the death of me; 12:51 PM


    Saturday, May 24, 2014
    ► whirlwind.
    it's been a hell of a month. not to be cliche, but i feel like this really captures it- it was a rollercoaster of a ride.

    if last year was full of change that i embraced eagerly, this year i was offered change that i rejected.

    i think i was on a spiral downwards ever since we broke up. ah no, ever since i broke up with him, because i'm a cold bastard that dropped it on him without a hint. i'm sorry for not being able to deal with my inner turmoil better. i can't help but think that thanks to him, i've learned that i really do appreciate being alone.

    then came hurdle after hurdle. the leg gave me problems again after a full four months and with it was doctor after doctor after doctor. i literally kneed my laptop and broke the screen. i was alerted of some complications with my study map and was told i possibly couldn't graduate. even little things, like getting baekhyun's photocard felt like a rotten cherry on top my melted sundae. come at me, life, how much more can you throw me down?

    but i'm a firm believer that when bad things happen, it'll happen in a row, just so sweet things can seem sweeter. and likewise, when i'm happy, i'm always always cautious, because it means something bad will happen. life tests us like that and i remind myself to appreciate the happiness when it comes and to never lose hope when it's gone because it will come back. it's a motto that has got me through many, many dark days.

    or maybe i just consciously try to make it better for myself?

    in my fit of anger, i threw out the backpacking idea after my parents disapproved of my plan to work in cafes for a few months after graduation. they wanted me to fly back immediately after graduation, leaving me little time to say goodbye to everything that i've built up over the past two years. where i thought i had another 7 months to properly love melbourne and its people, i am now left with barely five. in five years, the holiday will end. and my parents didn't get that.

    i understand where they come from but from my point of view, once i go back, i go back. student life officially ends. so that's when i mentioned that if you wanted me to go back, then let me travel. my original plan was a month, which i renegotiated to two weeks. korea was a no from them, so i suggested japan.

    and to my surprise, they said yes. i just booked the tickets. it's official. me, the girl who gets lost wandering in the grids of tiny tiny melbourne, will be heading off alone to explore the kansai region. i ended up with 12 days, not 14, but that was of my own doing. due to costs, i decided to cut nagoya out of my trip (i did spend two weeks there before after all).

    now i have something to look forward to and i think it'll be my obsession for the next 5 months. i've already spent more time planning it than doing my assignments. (oops.) i'm so excited you can't even believe but also really scared.

    but i can do it. if there's anything i love more than anything in the world, it's travelling.














    epik till the death of me; 8:38 PM


    Wednesday, April 02, 2014
    ► should i
    the ones who hurt
    are the ones with stories to tell
    they are the ones who write best
    gathering pain into careful palms
    a light blow
    tumble
    flow

    i have never hurt
    and i have no stories to tell
    i do not write well
    grew up loved in careful palms
    without a woe
    should i-
    be guilty for that?

    he has never broken my heart
    although i have broken my share of his
    did i ever fail
    if i never wanted it anyway?
    everything laid out
    carefully paved paths
    regrets are distant
    i should be thankful for that.

    i am loved
    i am protected
    i may not be able to talk about scars
    and the way my eyes tear and my heart tears
    but i can talk about dreams
    hopes happiness memories comfort
    i am thankful.
    for all of that.

    epik till the death of me; 10:58 PM


    Friday, February 21, 2014
    ► patchwork
    it's always when midnight strikes that we realise how flawed we are. sorry, i need to stop speaking for the world. defence mechanisms need not apply at midnight. i always realise how flawed i am at midnight.
    it's like when the clock ticks and the seconds fade away into darkness, so does my confidence, trickling slipping sliding down into nothingness. my body tells me to sleep, but my mind, my pesky mind is keen on exploring and unearthing all my secrets, not satisfied until every bandage is ripped off, pus oozing like the tears on my pillow case.

    you looked beautiful today but now no longer. and i pick at my hair, curl it around my fingers, wince at the garish reflection of my face in the low light of my cellphone screen. neon lighting was never the most flattering and my mind revels, rearing back to unleash every spiteful comment until i turn off my phone and throw it aside, retreating to darkness.
    he hasn't called you in three days. did he grow tired of you like the others have?
    shouldn't you work out? do you see how they look at you?
    when i strip you away from your safety net, can you really stand on your own? are you worth anything
    "stop!" i want to scream. when the world is harsh on me,  please let me breathe.
    but minds don't work that way.
    because after all, your worst enemy will always be yourself.

    epik till the death of me; 12:24 AM


    Saturday, December 14, 2013
    ► 2013 year end meme: thank you.
    i didn't do a year end meme last year and i'm not sure why. actually i do. i was a little too lost. but this year, so many things has changed that it would've been impossible for me not to do one. it's amazing how your life, your personality, your view of the world can completely change in one year. this will be my longest wrap up yet.

    1.  What did you do in 2013 that you’d never done before?
    i went on a holiday with the girls to south korea, said hi to tablo. i took a plane alone, flew off to melbourne to study abroad. i was homeless; slept on couches and took the bus. i got a boyfriend. i lost a boyfriend. i went to a strip club. i got a lap dance. i walked the streets alone at 3am and have never felt more free.

    2.  Did you keep your new year’s resolutions and will you make more for next year?
    i think my resolution. was probably to be happy because last year was such a shitty year, and i think that i really, truly am.

    3.  Did anyone close to you give birth?
    my favourite cousin gave birth to a baby girl.

    4.  Did anyone close to you die?  .
    my grandmama passed away after a long struggle. this will be my biggest regret of the year. i said goodbye to her at the hospital before boarding the plane and i knew that it would our last meeting. a week later, she was gone.

    5.  What places did you visit?
    i went to korea, taiwan, singapore and in a week, hongkong.

    6.  What would you like to have in 2014 that you lacked in 2013?
    i can think of nothing physical that i want, but i want to be more selfless. i am a self absorbed person and while i'm making a conscious effort to try to making the world about me, it's a slow process.

    7.  What dates from 2013 will remain etched on your memory, and why?
    march 26, when i flew to a new beginning.

    8.  What was your biggest achievement of the year?
    i achieved so much this year! there are the little things, like forming a PR club and gaining the trust of my lecturers. it pleases me so much to do well academically, especially when i love my courses.
    would it be cliche if i said that my biggest achievement was fighting my demons?

    9.  What was your biggest failure?
    i can't even think of anything i failed and regretted.

    10.  Did you suffer illness or injury?
    this year was relatively pain-free. sickness is mostly mental and when you're happy, it stays away.

    11. What was the best thing you bought?
    my 3ds! pokemon x is fun.

    12.  Where did most of your money go?
    rent and living expenses. rent is a bitch. but mostly food. even if i skimp on everything else, i don't mind splurging on food.

    13.  What did you get really excited about?
    i was excited about going to korea with my best buds! it was really really fun ;A; i missed it.
    and ofc, i got excited about starting anew in a new country. it was equal parts fear and excitement, tbh!
    i was excited about my internship but lol that fell flat.

    14.  Whose behavior merited celebration?
    tlist in general. i'm really proud of them. if i started naming people, this would take forever, but i'm genuinely glad and happy for all of you. even if you think you've had a crappy year, you've made it so far! if that's not something to be proud of, what is? jailbaits, you've graduated high school! uni peeps, finals is over booyah! working tlist, here's to another year of (questionable) productivity!

    and of course, my babies,
    debbie - for being a bubbly ball of fluff even when there are shadows chasing you. you are very brave.
    suimei - for working hard on achieving what you want, and doing it with a smile.
    amanda - for always being positive and carefree. i envy how you go for what you want and still work for what is needed.

    15. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
    if anyone would make me appalled, it would be my own wrongdoings. i can't judge anyone when i'm doing the same.

    i suppose in a way, i thought some people were open minded but they turned out to be pretty traditional. i can't say i blame them. it's just a bit disappointing.

    16. What song will always remind you of 2013?
    eureurong eureurong eureurong dae  ~

    17.  Compared to last year are you –

    Happier or Sadder?  happier!
    Fatter or thinner?  chubbier!
    Richer or poorer?  poorer :(

    18.  What do you wish you’d done more of?
    have fun- get drunk, date more, go clubbing.

    19.  What do you wish you’d done less of?
    ponder about life and just let loose.

    20.  How did you spend Christmas?
    will spend it in hongkong!

    21. What was your favorite TV program(s)?
    i didn't watch much tv this year.

    22.  What concerts did you go to?
    a concert featuring beast, 4minute and gna. ss5. a jay park showcase.

    23.  What were your favorite films of the year?
    maybe ... miracle in cell no 7. i didn't watch many films this year.

    24. Did you fall in love?
    no.

    25.  What did you do for your birthday in 2013?
    i went to taiwan the day before. the day itself i went for a 5 hour long karaoke session with the girls, then uncle jang with my high school babes. they hid in my kitchen with cake and surprised me, then we had a sleepover.

    26.  Did you make new friends this year?
    lots! i made maybe over 100 new friends from all over the world in australia and tlist! i met so many new and wonderful people on tlist!

    27.  What did you want and get?
    i get everything i want.

    28. What did you want and not get?
    i can't remember, which means that i must not have wanted it much.

    29. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
    seeing exo instead of missing out on them every. single. time.

    30. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2013?
    kawaii. i went all out this year with the korean inspired fashion.

    31. What kept you sane?
    tlist. i can't stress this enough. thank you.

    32. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
    kim jongin. lol fancy is a light term.

    33. What political issue stirred you the most? 
    gay marriage. child marriage.

    34. Who did you miss?  
    while i was in melbourne, my beautiful friends.

    35. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2013.
    i am learning how to love others and most importantly, love myself. it's a slow process, but we're getting there. many people have said that i'm insecure and tbh the first time i heard that, i was shocked because i thought i was being strong all this while. then i realised that i am insecure, and after the realisation, i worked towards just building my confidence.

    epik till the death of me; 11:14 PM


    Tuesday, October 15, 2013
    ► how korean fandom changed my life: the intro
    this will be a terribly self indulgent series of posts on fandom :)

    i always knew i was going to end up in fandom one way or another. any fandom.

    when i was 7, i was the only girl in class with a pink spice girls bag and a matching pencil case with baby spice grinning up at me. as i grew older, i fell into punk rock- simple plan, green day, good charlotte. my friends were listening to them and naturally so did i. i wrote countless letters to pierre, some in my mind, some on actual papers, and mentally sent them off, hoping that one day, he would look at me and notice my existence. at 12, i delved into my roots and got into wang leehom. it was my first taste of insane fandom. i queued for 5 hour under the rain, on wet sand, for his autograph. it wasn't my first fandom activity however; that was jolin when i was 10, and i still remember the way she looked straight in my eyes to thank me as she signed my album.

    everything started the year i entered high school. i've heard kpop before; hard not to, when my best friend was crazy over rain. she made little scrapbooks of him and had his posters all over her walls. somehow, my sister showed me this nifty little video showing a couple of boys singing. what was that language, japanese? and dear god, what was that hair??

    the group was tvxq, the year was 2006, and that was the beginning of everything.

    tvxq was the group that made me learn korean. they were the group that fired the gun shot to this kpop race (to the bottom T__T) and for that, thank you.

    from them i ventured. i discovered superjunior, fell into them harder than i did for tvxq. for a long while, donghae was my everything. i loved him genuinely, and he made the hard nights a little easier. of all the fandoms, i think superjunior would be the hardest for me to let go. they were my longest fandom, and even though my feels for them may have muted in the past year, they will forever be a part of me.

    more fandoms came. bigbang was a big part of my 2006-8. they weren't popular yet, just raw and young. i loved it. i loved the energy, the sound, the style. jiyong displaced donghae as my number 1 for a bit because he was someone that i've never seen before. my love for them pattered out sometime after last farewell, because they simply weren't the people i fell in love with, but that's okay.

    2pm was my next major fandom. 2008, the documentary hot blood came out. i watched, i raved, i voted. i voted for junsu a lot, and doojoon too. i was absolutely crushed when doojoon didn't make the cut in the end, and tbh it made me resent changmin for a bit. that was doojoon's spot. it soon became clear that changmin was a good part of the team, and i grew to love him too. taecyeon was my favourite at first because he was so great, but it was junho who ended up stealing my heart in the end. my stint in 2pm fandom lasted until after a year after jay left.

    with members that i've seen in bigbang and one day fandom, how could i not like beast? they were the underdogs and i was compelled to like them, out of principle alone. the minute i listened to bad girl, i was instantly hooked. beast is down to earth and by far, the best at doling out fanservice. they were likable idols, approachable idols. they were sweethearts.

    there were more, dalmatian, ft island, teen top.... khiphop, k-indie, uljjangs, kdrama, k-models. i have drabbled in every part of korean culture.
    epik high wasn't a fandom, rather, a lifestyle? their songs were the ones who helped me through the down times. tablo was the one who inspired me to improve my english. epik high. formed such a big part of my development that i will never, ever, ever leave this group behind. their music has driven me to newer heights and pastures. epik high is what music should do. epik high is what i respect

    and finally, the group... the group that changed everything about me... it changed the way i stan, the way i think, the people i met, the clothes i wore.
    the world has never seen a group like exo. 12 boys, so beautiful, so raw. a concept, so crazy and yet ingenious. what song is that; did they think they were a cult? the boys were unprepared for stage. for a group that was so hyped up, they failed to deliver. exo will never work.

    exo worked.

    why exo inspired unprecedented levels of insanity, no one can say for sure, but they did, and they shook the music world. the exo fandom was crazy from the start- edits, fanfics, long rants. no other fandom has ever reached the highs of what exo fandom has reached.

    i fell into exo fandom faster than i did for any other group, and stanned them harder than i've ever been before. i met so many new people through exo, and some of these people have become really good friends. i've spent so much money and done so many crazy things, all for this young group.

    it was with them that i started to take fanfic seriously. before that, i've always written, but with exo ficdom, suddenly, i had a name? i was recognised! i was genuinely confused because i have gone through so many years of my fandom life being quiet and suddenly people were like omg you wrote this? i loved it! and i was just ?? really?
    i've ben translating for years too, but when i did the same for exo fandom, suddenly people were reading it.
    my follower count exploded. i am still confused.

    i think i'll be in exo fandom for a long, long time.

    this post is all over the place because i'm writing it at shit am, but i guess i wanted to document my fandom experience properly. i might rewrite this when i'm more coherent, but bye for now.

    epik till the death of me; 12:27 PM


    Thursday, August 22, 2013
    ► "SHE HAS WINGS TATTOOED ON HER VAHJAYJAY." - friday | 9/8/2013
    while having greek food at stalactite, a van drove with a flashy advertisement on its side- a pair of full boobs spilling out of a barely there lacy bra, with "$5 ENTRY" splashed across. it was a gentleman's club, or simply, a strip club.

    AK started recounting the time he brought his mother to the same gentleman's club and somehow we went from omg wasn't that awkward to let's go to a stri- gentleman's club!

    so there we went, 4 boys and 2 girls, trooping off to the club, with worrywart me fretting about being refused entry because we were in shirts and sweaters, not exactly high class material.

    the place was exactly how i imagined a high class bar to be- red, leather couches, a lot of dark furniture, dimmed lights. and right in the middle, a round stage, decently sized, with a metal pole. a girl was already on it, this slinky brunette.

    the DJ announced the way they did things- each girl is on stage for seven minutes only. for the first song she remains clothes (well, as clothed as one can be in skimpy, see through lingerie) but for the second song, the top comes off. if you tip (and you have to, if you sit at the seats closest to the stage), she goes full frontal.

    one of the first things D said was, "oh my god, look at those heels." which frankly, darling, does nothing to dispel the gay rumours floating around you. i must admit, those are some damn great heels.

    a lady slunk up to me and ran her hand down my thigh, fingers slipping under the hem of my skirt and travelling further than where any human has gone (give me a moment to lament my sad love life, hush). then she offered us a lapdance with the boys. "i could call my friends and bring you all to a private booth!" YL and i exchanged a quick glance -the offer was tempting, but with the boys?- and i politely refused her. she grinned, slid her hand across my leg again and made a graceful exit.

    memorable quote of the night: "she bit my nipples! my nipples hurt!"

    it was okay, nothing that great. most of the girl didn't do it for me, except for one blonde, flirty girl who had me absolutely drooling. but after the 5th or 6th topless gyrating girl, it started to get boring. we went from admiring boobs to pole dance moves, to later on, shoes and lingerie options.



    the next night, we went for hot dogs, and D piped up, "hey, i watched the show the stripper recommended me last night. it was pretty good!" apparently for a while, she lay on him while they talked about tv shows. naked. okay.

    it was at this moment where the waiter popped up from where he was fixing the heater under the table, previously unnoticed, and exclaimed, "i like how you spend your friday nights! at least she has good taste!"



    this is what i do in melbourne. i love it here.

    epik till the death of me; 3:52 PM


    Monday, August 05, 2013
    ► tldr
    it's been a while since i properly talked about kpop in here, hasn't it? there are so many things i want to say, but i don't know how to wade through the mess in my head and organize them. perhaps it's the twitter effect. i'm used to fitting my thoughts into easy 140 character helpings. my thoughts are stars i cannot fathom into constellations. /snorts

    i've also become used to writing for an audience, and not for myself. my twitter has a decent amount of followers, and while it's certainly less than what most people expect when they see a statement like that, it's still 500 more people than i'm comfortable with. i'm touching more on the anxiety i mentioned in my recent post, and trying to explain why exactly i feel uneasy.

    i'm the kind of person who speaks her mind. i've always been painfully frank with my opinions. since this is an exo-themed post, as with EVERYTHING IN MY LIFE LATELY, i'll use this example tweet:

    yixing is such a mediocre singer and song writer, just like donghae.

    i pissed off some people with that. heh.
     i'm not exactly the most articulate person either. (that's painfully obvious, isn't it?) i'm just like that- blunt and shameless.

    but my tweets are getting more attention than i ever expected. i'm not sure what it is about this fandom that makes everyone get so involved, but i've never received this amount of attention even when i was forum moderators for other fandoms.

    suddenly i am accountable for my actions, responsible for my words. i easily get about 100 retweets a day, and sometimes this happens.



    what was once a nice community of just me and a couple of silly friends who insulted exo more than we loved them, became a messy market place where somehow my opinions mattered and was dissected, contested even. i worry that people might take me too seriously, and there are a lot of people that actually take my mindless rambling as fact.  sometimes i tweetfic and people mistake that as truth. i suddenly understand the whole issue exo fandom has with [CONFIRMED]; a single tweet holds more weight than you'd imagine.

    yesterday, i talked about exo


    i just look at exo and wonder why sm even let half of them debut. they go against everything we expected from sm u___u

    i mean, you announced M1 and M2 in /2011/ and rumours have been around since 2009. you can't even train the lead singers to be on tune?

    fit the clothes to the person, not the person to the clothes. they can't hit the notes, DON'T GIVE THEM THE NOTES

    i also mentioned how k and m's vocals were unbalanced, and how m can't pull some of exo's songs off as well simply because the song wasn't made for their sound and range.

    and then i apologized.

    "you shouldn't have to apologize for having an opinion," tlist said.

    "but," i countered, "exo fandom's kneejerk reaction seems to be DEFEND EXO"

    sure enough, i got a few asks asking why i bashed exo (sans jongin) so much.

    my reply:

    i also criticize every other group i've ever stanned, but it doesn't mean i don't like them? liking someone doesn't mean blindly ignoring all their flaws. liking someone means knowing their flaws, and learning to accept them. for the most part, i accept that exo doesn't have a strong stage presence, but i can't completely dismiss it either. 
    this is not a 100% fandom twitter, i am not a fanbase, and this is after all, a personal account. why should i self censor? when i say something, it doesn't mean that it's always right, and it doesn't mean that you should accept them. this is a personal twitter. it is my personal opinion.

    i actually ignited a whole discussion between a few followers in my mentions, with most defending exo, and some pointing out the validity of my statements.

    i came to know most people through fanfic, which in itself, scares me enough that i worry about posting the next thing. it was supposed to be fun, you know? i write for myself, because this idea was gnawing at me. i write for tlist, because it's fun killing them. i think i'm pretty crap at writing, actually. i'm bad at characterization and descriptions of any kind. my vocabulary is terribly limited. my life experience limits me, which is bad because i'm an experiential writer.

    some people must appreciate it though, because i get recognised a lot. i admit, it's very flattering, but the pressure. i'm well aware when something i write is average. i don't think it deserves the praise it gets.

    i checked the stats for my fic comm, and one of the fics had 8000 unique readers since it was up. 8000 different ip addresses means at least 8000 views, not counting the repeated readers. holy shit.

    i like anonymity.

    but maybe i don't like it enough. because if i really did, i wouldn't leave my twitter public like this.

    and at the end of the day, it all boils down to this.

    no one really cares about your opinion, jq. stop whining and get over yourself.

    epik till the death of me; 10:01 PM


    Thursday, June 20, 2013

    i have a problem, in which the internet makes me anxious, and yet i'm addicted.
    these few days.... it feels like a switch has been thrown.
    exo fandom makes me feel so afraid? and annoyed?
    i don't know what is happening.
    i refuse to watch anything exo related, but at the same time they make me smile.
    what is this confusion?

    epik till the death of me; 11:03 PM


    Wednesday, April 17, 2013
    ► act two
    this is fun
    maybe i'll write all
    my posts like this
    because
    fragmented sentences
    reflect my fragmented thoughts

    my mind is spinning
    on an endless catch and seek
    ideas a whispered symphony,
    a midsummer night's wind
    maybe if i write them all down
    they'll stop plaguing me at night?

    frankly i'm tired
    of grasping at straws
    slipping through my fingers
    peering through the mist

    i want to be clear
    and what better way
    than to document it carelessly
    free write's only right
    for this jumbled head of mine

    then maybe
    today i will sleep well

    epik till the death of me; 3:49 PM


    Tuesday, April 16, 2013
    ► an update
    you ask me about melbourne
    how do i find it?
    how do i cope?

    i sit down to reply
    but words escape me
    sentences are too hard
    life moves too fast for me to stop
    so have a poem
    deny grammar

    class is okay
    i love it even
    the tutor is cute
    i think he overestimates me

    the weather is nice
    i've given up on combs
    the wind can be my stylist
    she is fickle
    but she means well
    even if my clothes aren't thick enough

    my friends are great
    i fell in with them faster than expected
    the other day we danced
    he spun me into another's arms
    i wish i could've captured my laugh

    there are no sprawling campuses
    there is no quiet love story
    but there is warmth and walks by the river
    there is running in the rain at 3am
    and nerf gun battles across the sofa
    i will be sad to let this freedom go

    is this the new start i dreamed of?
    i think it is
    but even if it isn't,
    it's as close as can ever be.

    all i know is,
    i
    have
    no
    regrets

    i made the right decision.

    epik till the death of me; 9:37 PM


    Thursday, April 11, 2013

    yesterday was my mom's birthday!

    one of my earliest memories of her was when i was 7. my mom used to drive my neighbour and i to class, but our class started at 1, and my sister's class ended at 12.30, so we always went early. my mom would buy picture storybooks and read them to us every day, one story per day.

    i've forgotten all about it until today and now i'm a bit amazed at her dedication. and as i write this it comes bck to me bit by bit - clambering into the front seat to look at the brightly coloured pictures, begging my mom for another story even though we would be late for class, pushing my neighbour away to try to snuggle closer to my mom. i remember she used a different voice for each character and made silly sound effects. 

    after 13 years, these are the things that i treasure most.

    thank you,
    and happy birthday.

    i love you, ma.

    epik till the death of me; 7:45 PM


    Friday, March 01, 2013
    ► this was an email to my parents.

    i'm editing it and turning it into a post because lazy. suck it.

    I've only been here three days and it feels like it's been a week! Living alone sucks. I don't want to do everything by myself. I want to be handfed everything ;A;


    First day I got there JR's bro picked me up at the train station and we took the bus to her place.
    It takes an hour from the city, a complicated mess of train changes and bus routes and even a walking path. I left my stuff at her place, bathed and went to the city.
    It rained and was reaaaally cold. I wasn't expecting it.
    Wandered around the place a bit and got an Australian number, which I will change soon because stupid Vodafone.
    Ate some udon and went back to JR's place!

    Second day I went to register at RMIT.
    I got lost (for like the sixth time in 2 hours. How many times can JQ get lost? You'll be surprised) and accidentally found my school's orientation.
    So I sat down and listened for two hours, got some free glazed donuts.
    After that I went to the main street and found the main orientation. Got more free stuff (toothbrush, contact lens solution which I gave to JR, facial wash) and food (ice cream!!! lollipops. bananas. hot dogs. chips. lots of bottles of water)
    For dinner we ate at A Hog's Breath (steak!!!) but I was full from the free food so I stole from their plates and had a calamari salad. We still couldn't finish the food.

    Today I went to Harbourtown with JR and her friends for dimsum, and then to Chadstone because one of them,  wanted to buy an iphone. Apparently they all shop at ZARA kids, because it fits better and it's cheaper. I bought a pair of flowery jeggings for $25. Basically, Vivian spent $300 on children clothes.

    Before Harbourtown I went to a PR info session at the university, and found out that they gave me credit transfers based on my /high school results/
    The program director said she was wondering why I was in Communication when the credits I was exempted from was Biology, Chemistry and Physics.
    I showed her my real subjects and she said it made more sense. Then she just started crossing out subjects on my course map without even looking at the course outline.
    "You studied Media Writing? Okay, then we'll exempt you from Writing for PR."
    ...  but Media Writing wasn't exactly about PR?? It was more journalism???
    She let me go straight to the second year subject that's a continuation of Writing for PR, which is Debates for PR. JFC I can't even speak English and you want me to debate. I am not well equipped for this. I am a dumb, sheltered Asian. I no speakeu dee Engrish Can yu say eet slower?
    I have a third year subject too, so in a year I'll be classmates with people from all three years ._. HOW AM I TO MAKE FRIENDS.
    All in all, she let me skip 6 credits, and if I overload for 2 semesters I can actually finish within 2 years instead of 3.

    I tried to register my timetable just now but all the lectures clashed, so FML GOODBYE GOOD SCHEDULE.

    I did not bring enough long pants and sweaters T____T
    It goes down to 12 C at night with heavy wind.
    After I settle down, I'll go shopping because I seriously need to.

    Okay Imma go to sleep now. I've probably explored half of Melbourne CBD these past 3 days. Walked so much my feet are killing me.
    Good night.

    epik till the death of me; 9:02 PM


    Friday, February 15, 2013
    ► uh.
    i swear i will get that korea post up. more for myself than anything else.

    but first things first:
    i got into RMIT and i'm flying on the 26th.

    you know what i'm going to say. wait for it...
    i'm freaking out.

    is there something about growing up that makes you more in tune with your emotions, or is it just me being dramatic? because when i was 15, i most certainly did not have panic attacks or self esteem issues. life was great. my grades was great. i could breeze through everything, no thinking required.
    is it some sort of reverse puberty? or a delayed form of it? since i've always been an adult-child, is this my mind's way of catching up with time, trying to cram those missing years of adolescent angst into my almost-adult body? i am almost 20, gdi, and i feel like a pimply 14 year old, drowning in my sorrows and too wrapped up in my own world to worry about everyone else.

    oh. i got distracted again.

    so. melbourne. in 11 days. am i ready? let's see: visa's not done, luggage isn't packed. accommodation not found.
    holy fuck what am i doing.
    it's not sinking in, you see, the fact that i am studying abroad. i have it in my mind clearly that i'm going to melbourne. that much i have accepted. but i see it more of a long holiday than anything else, which is precisely the problem. it hasn't sunk in that i will be gone for 2.5 years, not to play, but to study. i will actually need to attend classes and do assignments, but not from the comforts of my own home.
    meanwhile i whine about it enough for everyone to know about it, and they assure me, "you'll do well. you're so independent."

    odd, i thought so, too. all my life, i assumed i would study abroad. it seemed like the natural course of things; didn't everyone do it? as i grew up i realised that i have no ambition nor greed, and routine is comfortable. i like being a big fish in a small pond, so why challenge that?

    and that's when the self esteem issues started.
    i am now yanked out of my pond, thrown into the sea. i am but a mere trout- plain, unassuming, swimming among the tropical fish. the water is too salty and deep for me; i struggle and i choke. i venture too far and there's a shark, and i barely miss losing a fin.
    they are so much more than i, and i am lost in the crowd, blending in.

    it is time i changed.
    i am me.
    i have expectations on my shoulders.
    i will be better.
    i will be Me.

    (after i curl up in a ball and cry. shh, just this once)

    epik till the death of me; 3:22 PM


    Friday, February 08, 2013

    REMINDER TO SELF
    : PLEASE BLOG ABOUT KOREA YOU LAZY LITTLE BITCH
    YOU WILL FORGET
    AND THEN YOU WILL CRY

    I GIVE YOU A WEEK
    BEFORE YOU WILL BE FLYING IN 2 WEEKS FOR GOD'S SAKE
    YOU LOVED THE TRIP
    WHY CAN'T YOU WRITE ABOUT IT?

    epik till the death of me; 11:31 PM


    Saturday, January 19, 2013
    ► comeback hehe
    happy new year guys :)

    i have disappeared for a while. i needed time away to think about things, and to recover from my dip in the murky pool of emotions. a great many things happened in the past few months.

    i applied to two universities, and am waiting for a reply. i went to smtown, the best concert of my life. i worked on a fan account, but lost steam. maybe i will continue. i finally saw exo!! almost cried over it too. life in taylors is over! i finished my exams on the 4th, and quietly left the university behind. no love lost there, but i'm not too keen on my new future either. it's a scary thing, knowing that your life will change in a month, but not knowing HOW. am i ready for life abroad? will i even go for a life abroad? i don't let myself dwell on that too much; it'll keep me up at night otherwise.

    i just came back from korea,which i will blog about after i sort out my pictures! i saw epikhigh with my own eyes. epik high. tablo. never in life would i have expected to see them, but here we are. met up with gesa and candice too! we've been promising each other for years, and now we've finally met up. this korea trip was surreal. (in fact i am writing this blog post from the plane back to kuala lumpur, and if we believe the captain, we're 35 thousand feet above ground)

     i do believe i'm over much of my slump. it came from the feeling of helplessness of struggling over my degree, and now that i've more or less opened up new options for myself, i feel better. i've also opened up a whole new dam, with a torrents of new confusing feelings, but i can just let nature run its course with that. i am hungry for change, so i shouldn't fear it. i keep reminding myself to stick to my resolve of no regrets. i never regret, and so i can enjoy. i feel so much better now.

    thank you to everyone who cared over the past few rocky months. i know i've been frustrating, and i can't even begin to tell you how grateful i am with your kind and encouraging worlds. i think all of you were the only reason why i made it into this year, and i wish i could return the favour to you ten fold. some of you live halfway around the world and could technically not care about some username on the internet, but you made the effort to reach out. you were the highlight of my weeks, and you've long ceased being just a username- you are a person to me, just as precious as any friend who's beside me physically. in fact, i probably talk to some of you more than i talk to my everyday friends. thank you.

    here's to new beginnings and new crossroads. cheers.

    epik till the death of me; 9:37 PM


    Tuesday, September 18, 2012
    ► again.
    i think i'm a bit depressed.

    it's not that serious, but i have all the symptoms:
    i can't sleep well - i wake up at least 3 times per night.
    i can't concentrate
    i lost my appetite - i actually groan at the thought of dinner
    i'm losing too much weight - see above
    i feel hopeless
    lost my confidence
    itched too much for a beer -still want one now
    and i've been so irritable for a while now.
    also i ache all over. my back my shoulders my head.

    last year was the happiest year of my life, and early this year i was still pretty damned  satisifed.
    ... and now.
    guess this shows how important your environment is.
    i don't like my university. i don't like my coursemates.
    every day i feel lethargic.

    exo becomes my escape and i'm needier than ever. maybe that's why i exploded into fandom again after so many years of cooling off.
    my ot12 bbys. you're the highlight of my life these days.




    epik till the death of me; 8:17 PM


    Sunday, September 09, 2012
    ► where to now?
    sigh. i'm a bit confused and lost right now.

    so i hate my university. no particular reason. or rather, there are a whole string of reasons. the main one being that taylors is a fucking mess, and the messed up administration has me hesitating in putting my trust in them.

    i just started looking into other universities and if i do transfer credits i will have to change my major... right now i'm a public relations and event management double major. i've been looking into partnership universities because i figured it'll be easier to change credits but they don't really offer what i want. pr is a course of its own, not under communications. it is usually with law or marketing, both of which i don't really want.
    and none of them offer event management.

    what should i do now?

    if i transfer credits, i'll be going overseas next year instead of in 2014.

    and i don't even know which country now.

    i need some serious course counselling now, but god knows taylors is useless.

    epik till the death of me; 6:15 PM


    Sunday, August 19, 2012
    ► letter to a cynic from a loveaholic
    am i a masochist for loving you
    or a sadist because all i do is smother you?
    i wanted to be the spark that lights you
    but why do i feel like the ashtray that snuffed out your fire?
    there's no room for love in your heart
    why are you hesitant to believe in something that's all around you?
    but how can i expect you to believe in love when you don't believe in other "foolish concepts"
    like hope. and faith. and kindness?

    it's not strange, just human nature
    synaptic connections and chemical reactions;

     i'll be your saint in a sea of sinners
    you can't be true when you're behind a mask
    but i will help you in creating the illusion of perfection
    as long as i can be the one who uncloaks you

    how i fell for you i can't even say
    it must be the day i met you
    (and here i introduce another cliche into the equation)
    love at first sight, some might say
    i saw you and the warmth spread through me
     like an inkblot creeps across the paper
    the ink will stain and so will my love for you

     i love you

     the three words i can't bring myself to say to anyone else
    the three words that hesitate upon my lips
    the three words that can change the world
    "change" - making something different, for the better for the worse
    the three words that can create and destroy

     i'll wait for spring to come
    the day the first robin sings
    the day the first flower blooms
    the day your frozen heart thaws
    and my three words are returned to me.

    until then i wait, forever yours,
    your loveaholic ;
    a youaholic

    Labels:


    epik till the death of me; 10:48 PM


    Saturday, August 18, 2012
    ► video ahahahahahah


    epik till the death of me; 11:01 PM


    Wednesday, August 15, 2012
    ► laos trip 120801-120803

    It was a fairly last minute thing. My dad had to go to Laos for a meeting, and my mom decided to follow. And naturally, that meant that I was to follow as well. The flight was booked the day before we left.

    The minute we got on the plane it rained. Not a great way to start off a holiday, yeah? It's rainy season in South East Asia.



    But surprisingly it didn't rain again. When we got off the plane it was cold, and we caught the tail end of a rainstorm.

    "Laos is like Malaysia 40 years ago," said the nice old man who sat beside us on the plane. "So rustic, so simplistic." It was a sentiment echoed by every Malaysian we met in Laos so forth.



    The airport was pretty bare, but compared to the airports I've been in, this was a small, but pretty nice one. My dad ran into some acquantainces at the airport, and they were escorting the chief police inspector of Laos, so we tagged along and went through the diplomatic gate at customs.

    Then they invited us along for lunch, and we went for pho. Pho. Vietnamese rice noodles. It was the first hint that lent a grain of truth to the common saying that Laos doesn't have its own flavour. Laos is a wonderful country, but it is so overtaken by the neighbouring cultures that it's hard to tell what is uniquely Laotian.



    Anyway, the pho was good, and them crazy Laotians apparently like to drink. Or maybe it's just the chief inspector. He brought out some herbal wine tonic that was made of roots (and I suspect scorpions or snakes, I kid you not). At 9am. But hell, was it potent. I'm a heavy drinker but that was too much for me. We also had some snacks that looked and tasted like the honey combs and kuih kapek that we can find in Malaysia during Chinese New Year.



    Then we went to find a hotel. Vientiane is full of nice boutique hotels and guesthouses that range from cheap ($5 a bed) to insane ($400 a night).



    After getting a room we settled in to rest for a bit. Our room was really nice and their bathroom was divine haha. It had a huge bathtub and a state of the art shower system. The beds were nice too.

    I turned on the telly, and oh, it was EXO! Laotians, like most Asian countries, are crazy over Korean music as well, and as I channel surfed, half the music channels were playing some hip new Korean mv. But Exo! Bbys can't leave me alone even when I escape to another country ;D


    After a bit of a rest we walked around town. Immediately I loved Vientiane. The city centre is small (finish walking around it in 30 minutes or less) but it's peppered with really cool cafes. It's obviously geared towards tourists, as the city centre is very quiet, with almost as many Caucasians wandering around as Laotians. Still, it isn't overbearingly commercialised, not like Bali. It's laidback, relaxed, perfect for a lazy stroll. Laos is much cleaner than Cambodia, so I much prefered it.




    My second meal in Laos was a vegetable wrap. I actually liked this a lot! A piece of thin rice flour paper, one lettuce on top, a chunk of meat, sprinkle some beansprouts/garlic/onions/starfruit/other vegetables, dip it in the peanut-chili sauce and stuff it in your mouth.


    We walked around the night market too, by the Mekong river. It's a bit odd because here we are, standing by the river. This is Laos, that is the river, and on the opposite bank, is Thailand. It's just a few metres apart, and someone could easy row a boat over to another country.


    For dinner we settled on an Italian restaurant. I ordered a local style pizza, and it brought me to tears. No, literally. It was spicy as hell. Local meant goat cheese, onions, mushrooms and Laotian sausage. Oh, and chilis of course. Lots of it.



    The next day my mom and I rented a van with a driver. It soon became clear that the quaint little high class Laos thing was a carefully packaged facade when we left the town centre. Within 5 minutes, the dust started rolling in. Finally, Laos had life! In town, it was so dead that it was like a Western ghost town. The whole place was peppered with Western style cafes, and almost nothing else. Just a few kilometres away from the city we could see the country creeping up on the Laotian life. Wooden houses, barefoot children running around, chickens pecking at the ground... Basically, what you would expect Laos to be.

    30 minutes and 15 km in, the roads... became possibly the worst that I've ever seen. I've been to the country sides of Thailand, Cambodia, China. I've been into the mountains of Sabah and of course into the rural areas all over Malaysia, but never have I been on a ride as bumpy as this.
    Here's a video of it!


    We bought some food at the roadside stalls and had a picnic in Buddha Park!

    papaya salad!



    buddha park!


    Because I am lazy to write more, I'll just post pictures from now on hehe.






    Sisaket Temple



    thatdam!




    Patuxay



    epik till the death of me; 9:46 PM


    Sunday, July 15, 2012
    ► 120606 B.A.P Malaysia Showcase
    i swear my blog is 80% fan accounts xD


    somehow, we won tickets again :) vip this time, cause we were a bit lucky.

    got there at 5something but it was raining crazily so we went to get dinner at the cafe downstairs. a turkey panini mmmmm 

    collected my b.a.p towel.



    i don't think it started late. here are some highlights.

    during the break between the songs, unsanitary baby boos shared the same towel. first daehyun wiped his sweat and gave it to jongup, who wiped his sweat. daehyun took it back, and wiped his eyes. and then he passed it to zelo. then himchan. youngjae. rinse repeat. towel goes on neck, under the fringe, then in the eyes.

    for the special stages...
    first off, yongguk and daehyun idjasljdalsjasl i remember. ugh i am daehyun biased i'm not even going to deny it. i love love love his voice and i love his face even moar ahhhhh.

    wow jongup's solo stage. WOW. he came out under a single shining spotlight, and then the familiar beat of micheal jackson... bby was good, yes, but then he surprised us all when he ripped his shirt apart in one pulling motion. our jaws just dropped straight away because if anyone else stripped we would've somewhat expected it but JONGUP. OUR BBY MAKNAE. AND HE HAS ABS OK. he did a little strip show beforehand too. first tie, then suit, then his shirt. and because i loved it a little too much i made gifs of the fancam because hello, hot. D: also, first gif i made in like, 4 years.




    zelo's solo stage was cute! he did never give up, but he got really passionate about it, clutching his microphone like it was his lifeline or something. here is my bad fancam haha.



    baby was funny because well, it's justin bieber's baby. youngjae, himchan and daehyun performed this one. daehyun's smile omg. so contagious. he is pretty as fuck. 

    and there were others but you've watched the fancams.  i am reallly lazy to post.

    during the FAQ, daehyun's question was a request for him to show his abs. immediately he's all oasdjlaksdjaskl LOL NO. he was gesturing for the fans to be quiet by placing a finger to the lips, and then trying to refuse by shaking his hands no. everyone else (the boys i mean) were super excited and himchan was practically dying. omg daehyun's embarrassed smile is TOO CUTE. i was thinking, my life is complete. in the end he agreed to dance. this boy is not made for dancing hahahahahahha. they played baby for him, and he did this qt dance...


    also, himchan's face is weird. there's something unnatural and scary about it haha. 


    after the showcase!

    went airport stalking too! their flight was 1am but they only got off the van at 12.30am. daehyun had a towel draped over his face so i changed my target to jongup instead. i walked next to him the whole way and he was really nice to us :)



    reached home at 2am but no regrets! :D

    Labels:


    epik till the death of me; 11:58 PM


    Wednesday, July 11, 2012
    ► i'm 19 now!
    legal in most parts of the world :)


    had way too much cake haha. went for lunch with suimei and deb and then off to college! my uni mates surprised me with more cake ;A;

    crazy bbys 


    yi-li baked me a strawberry crumble!


    and this picture is amazing, because it marks the moment we met, 5669 days ago.

    dinner with my babes!

    and ofc giriboy my new hiphop love and song jaeseung my model obsession wished me happy birthday! haha.

    the first two selcas i took as a 19 year old!



    epik till the death of me; 5:18 PM


    Saturday, June 16, 2012
    ► different.
    seeing all the pictures of my friends cosplaying, i kinda want to do it too. no interest in the manga or anime but it seems interesting to able to pretend to be someone else for a while. you can wear a garter belt or show off your midriff or wear a scandalously short skirt, and everyone will just accept you and appreciate you.

    i like toying the idea of them toying with the edge of sexuality, turning sensuality into an art form. i kinda want to do that too, dress up to shock, turn into a sultry HBIC that makes jaws drop.

    any way i look at myself i still see a child. i want people's jaw to drop when they look at me, see me as a woman and not that cute little girl-next-door.
    which is why sometimes i play around like this.


    but it's still not sexy. that's try hard. it's somewhat frustrating to me that i still look like a high schooler. why is it that when most of my baby fat fell off, i looked younger and not more lady-like?

    i wear heels and i strut around the place, but the people who hit on me are still way younger than me.
    sometimes i just want to feel sexy. not with this face i can't u___u;;

    epik till the death of me; 3:23 PM


    Monday, June 04, 2012
    ► 120526 Block B Malaysia Showcase and Fansigning : Fan account
    SO! Yes. We won autograph passes, me and suimei, so we had 4. Just right for us!


    After seeing the questions posed to Exo at their fanmeeting (black undies i see, Sehun?) I had the idea to do those post-it questions as well, but ugh post its are flimsy. So i took thick paper. But my words are fug, so eventually we got SM to rewrite em in her qt writing.



    The beginning was ughhh. We reached pretty late, at about 1, and lounged around a bit, being obnoxious as usual. Man, the other fangirls must hate us. /really/.

    Some time later we realized that our passes entitled us to a special area and off we went. The first hour was stuffy as fuq and boring because there were lion dances and a long fashion show. Block B came out for a brief photo op.Then more performances, which at least I enjoyed a bit.

    Finally!
    They kicked off with U-Hoo-Hoo, my favourite song of theirs, in chairs. Then they did Wannabe, followed by Nanrina, and finished with Let's Get Retarded.
    I'm really disappointed that they sang the Retarded version instead of the Started version. Perfect english, yes, but ugh, it's insensitive. During Nanrina Ukwon did his flappy shirt thingy only in the second hook but when he did, hell did I scream.

    Then, autograph session! There was 100 of us.

    Yukwon was first and I told him to draw a heart, but he shook his head and drew a star. “Star,” he said, little troll. I whined, "Can't you draw a heart?" and he said okay. But then the manager pushed the poster to the next person, so he smiled apologetically at me, and high fived me.

    Then it was Jaehyo. Pretty flawless Jaehyo. I don't see how this boy can be real. He must be created with an extra bit of effort or something. Either by God or by a plastic surgeon.

    Jaehyo signed, and added a heart at my request. I asked him to write my name too, and he was about to, but the manager pushed the paper along, so he said sorry. It’s okay, bby ;A; High fived him, too.
    I looked over to P.O by then, but Jaehyo’s voice drew me back to him.

    “You have good skin.”

    … What? I thought he was talking to Amanda, but he was looking at me, smiling. It took me a few seconds to register that Jaehyo, PERFECT HUMAN DOLL was complimenting me. I wasn’t wearing makeup then, too. I never wear makeup. He grinned and added, “I’m jealous.”

    P.O was in a grumpy mood so he was barely smiling. I gave him the slip of paper which asked “Who’s cuter? IU or you?”. he ticked IU and I went, really? He scrunched his nose at me in response. It was the cutest thing ever omg. High five againnnn.

    I had a question for Taeil too. Your height? He looked at the paper, then squinted at lil old grinning me. He ticked that it’s a secret and shushed me. It was really very endearing. Taeil was very uncertain throughout. He drew a heart because again, I asked for it, and then a quick high five. Taeil is absolutely adorable. He reminded me of an elf, with his black framed glasses.

    Minhyuk signed pretty fast. He ignored my request of a heart and drew a star. Seeing that he wasn’t talking, I turned to Kyung.

    Since everyone was high fiving, I guess Minhyuk thought he had to do it too, but I was busy talking to Kyung, so he kinda reached out and awkwardly bumped my arm with a fist. It was so funny. He literally darted out, lightly punched my arm and drew back.That caught my attention and I turned to stare at him. He stared back. ... Then I held out my palm in front of me, stared pointedly at him, and he high fived it. Beside me, Kyung was all LOL.

    I told Kyung that my birthday was coming soon, and he told me congratulations. That threw me off a bit, because what? Happy birthday maybe, but congratulations? He was by far the friendliest. He shakes hands instead of high fives! He stuck his hand out first, in fact. I asked for hearts again, and he gladly agreed. He drew three little (ugly xD) hearts.


    The rest had questions too!

    Amanda to Jaehyo:



    Q: Korea’s sexy king is?
    AMe ✓/ Bbomb

    when he read this, he got all excited and pointed to himself while saying, ME ME ME! we actually gave him the question twice. the first time with suimei, the manager stopped him from answering, so manda gave him it again (hence the different coloured paper ><) and this time he was all :DDDDD OBVS I’M HOTTER

    Suimei to Kyung:

    Q: The person with the larger eyes is?
    AKyung ✓/ Jaehyo


    When he received the question, Kyung was super happy and said, “Thank you!” He failed to realize that his answer is far from reality and the question isn’t a compliment lol. Suimei sideeyed the fuq out of  him.


    Deb to Ukwon:

    Q: The animal that Yukwon looks like is?
    A:  Puppy ✓ / Cat

    He barely had time to read the question, so I'm not sure if he answered correctly, because puppy, really?

    Deb to P.O:




    Q: Aegyo king is?
    A: P.O ✓ / Yukwon


    He was pretty pouty to all of us, but to this question he smiled at Deb.


    Amanda to Ukwon:


    Q: I am most confident of my?
    A: Sexiness ✓ / Cuteness


    Block B is so niceeee.



    epik till the death of me; 1:23 AM


    Sunday, May 20, 2012
    ► wow i am a terrible blogger
    WARNING: LOTS OF PICTURES OF ME.

    every so often i feel guilty for not being a "normal" blogger and this is the result of such guilt. note that whenever a post like this comes out where i actually talk about my life, i am swamped with exams and assignments, so this is me procrastinating.

    first up, went to jay park's showcase last saturday! kiesha won tickets and she was an absolute sweetie and she gave me a ticket. she even offered me a photo pass. i do lub her.

    i was so uncharacteristically colourful that day! but i bought those pink pants a while ago and i've never worked up the nerve to wear them. i thought, what better place to dress ridiculously than at a kpop concert?




    the girls in front were all blocking jay! my hand was on his shoulder and his arm around mine but you can't see. bit of a shame. girls, #1 rule when taking a picture with a celebrity: DO NOT BLOCK THE CELEBRITY.

    this was my third time seeing jay, and second time meeting him up close. he's certainly changed since i last saw him two years ago. back then his arms were white and free of tattoos (just one on his neck!). he was very shy and he seemed uncertain of his every move. maybe it was because i met him real early, the morning after a night of celebrating Junior's birthday, but he was dazed and seemed unimpressive to me. then, he was just coming back from america too. this time round, his confidence radiated off him in buckets. i was amazed and really impressed by his everything. he's succeeded in korea, and as korea forgets about the hate they had for him, it did wonders to him. jay, see what a bit of confidence does to ya ;D

    my exo k album arrived! it's a lot flimsier than i thought. production costs were probably pretty low. but the pictures are gorgeous and the whole design is unique.


    i got my fringe cut for the first time ever!

    immediately regretted it because i found out soon enough that it only looks good for like, an hour after you wash your hair. then it becomes flat and annoying and it gets into my eyes. i've never had anything like a fringe before so i'm really not used to it. to give you an idea of how long the front of my hair was, look below.

    this was my gdragon seaweed hair impression pre-haircut! yes, that's a brush in my hair.


    did you notice that all i did was repost all the pictures that i already have up on twitter/facebook. it's hard to have anything left to say when you tweet about 100 times a day.

    anyway!
    i want to apply for AIESEC's Global Development Program. it'll be such an amazing experience! i'm eyeing the Poland program where we teach english to kindergarteners, but it'll have to depend on the timing. i can only go during my hols, which is from jan to march. if i can't go for that i want the Taiwan one, because it's to help the animals! you love me-  my loves lie in animals and children.
    i'll have to go through an assessment first, but so far i see that they emphasize on language skills, which i'm pretty confident about. finally, a day when my slightly accented english comes into use!

    oh yes.
    I'M GOING TO KOREA.
    with my lovely fangirl babes. booked the flight yesterday, from jan 9th to 16th. i'm really really really excited. spent the entire night looking up guesthouses and such. fuck, this is such a dream come true i can't believe it's happening.

    epik till the death of me; 12:17 AM